People ToolsA Blog By Alan C. Fox
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Alan C. FoxAuthor. Entrepreneur. Game-changer.
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I Have No Time for Excuses

by Alan C. Fox 4 Comments

 

Dark-cloud-peopletoolsI’m more than a little angry tonight and if it shows, it should.  I’m seventy-four years old and I have no time for excuses, either from myself or others.  An excuse is entertaining.  Other than that it accomplishes less than nothing.  And I’ve heard too many excuses this week, including the following:

From an escrow officer who failed to close a sale on time: “My staff and I have worried about this for two weeks, and all of us have spent many sleepless nights.”  Perhaps they should read the chapter in People Tools for Business, “You Are Not in the Business of Making Telephone Calls.”  You are in the business of achieving results.

From a law firm that was attempting to help me close a large real estate transaction: “Our attorneys worked on this all weekend.”  Unfortunately, they failed to let me know what they needed in time for a Monday evening City Council meeting.  As a result, at a substantial cost, the closing was postponed for two weeks.

From Carl, a writer who didn’t meet a magazine’s deadline: “I worked all day and was too tired to finish the project last night.”  I understand.  We all get tired.  The platinum rule in real estate is Location, Location, and Location.  The platinum rule in business is Management, Management, and Management.  The platinum rule in writing it is Finish, Finish, and Finish.   Carl’s article will not appear in the magazine.

No one wants to fail.  More important, no one wants to be seen as failing by anyone else.  That is why we invent excuses.

But as a friend of mine, Roxan, recently said: “We will never rise any further than our excuses will allow.”

If we want to succeed in life we should remember to avoid excuses, especially excuses to ourselves.

This advice would have come in handy for Harold (fictitious name), who wins the Olympic Gold medal for excuses I’ve heard this week.

Harold was seeking to expedite the delivery of an important shipment to my office.  I’m sure he was trying to help.  He tried so hard that he talked not only to the delivery driver, but also to the CEO of the shipping company, who became angry and called me directly:

“Your representative Harold said that my delivery service was like a box of Kleenex—and that you could easily find another vendor. I explained to him that the reason that the delivery was delayed was because we didn’t receive the package from the manufacturer on time, and we simply couldn’t drive fast enough to make up the difference. But Harold just wouldn’t listen.  I’m sorry that we couldn’t deliver on Thursday, as scheduled.  But if you don’t want us to work for you any more just tell me.”

Whoa! Normally I don’t give much value to the whole “he said, she said” back and forth because no one can prove anything.  But I did know for sure that the CEO was now angry with me.  And I also had heard this type of story about Harold before.

I value every one of my suppliers.  Even if I replace them, I am polite.  I called Harold and told him what the CEO had unloaded on me.

no-excuses-peopletools“That’s not true,” Harold said.  “I never said anything like that.  I never intended to insult anyone.  Maybe he was having a bad day.”

“Harold, then it’s even worse than I thought.  If you insulted an important supplier of mine without even knowing or intending to, then you can’t possible avoid a similar situation in the future.”

Who is right?  I don’t know.  I wasn’t on the original call.

What I do know is that the shipping company is reliable and has always worked in my best interest.  I also know their CEO was ready to quit working for me.

So what is my excuse for the reported behavior of Harold?

I have none.  I have apologized in writing and have an appointment to take the CEO to lunch next week.

Alan

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Is It Safe?

by Alan C. Fox 2 Comments

 

Safety-PeopleToolsIn the 1976 movie, The Marathon Man, the hero “Babe” Levy, played by Dustin Hoffman, is restrained in a dental chair. The demented dentist, played by Laurence Olivier, is torturing him with a dental drill.  While Olivier is drilling into Hoffman’s teeth, he keeps repeating the question, “Is it safe?”

Is what safe?  Hoffman’s character doesn’t have a clue what the dentist is talking about and it looks like “bye-bye” teeth.

I’m going to turn this scene around and apply it to real life.  How many times does someone ask you, “Is it safe?” or “Are you safe for me?” when you don’t even know they are asking the question?

I’ll give you an example.

My yet-to-be second wife Susan and I were talking on the sofa in her living room on our second date.  I suggested that we stop talking for a while.  Within seconds Susan flew into my arms and we began to kiss.  When it looked as if it might become more serious Susan stopped, looked up at me, and said, “What religion are you?”

I told her, and asked what religion she was.  She told me and then asked if I was very religious.

“No.  Not very.  How about you?”

“Not very.”

We now knew we shared the same religion but were not severe about it.

Our physical relationship progressed.

The next time we were together I said, “So you wanted to know whether or not it was safe to let yourself go a little more with me.”

“No.”

“Then why did you ask about my religion after we started to kiss?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  I was just curious.”

I think that Susan believed that. But I didn’t, because her timing was too odd.  I think that Susan was really asking, “Is it safe to get involved with you?” And religion was important to her.

Learning to find the deeper meaning in your partner’s words is challenging, but almost mandatory to develop trust and understanding. Have you or your partner ever expressed anger at a time, or in a way, that seemed inappropriate?

My friend Tom told me that a week before he was planning to propose to his long-term girlfriend Celia, he offered to give her his old cell phone because he had bought a new one.  Celia responded by email.

“How dare you offer me your used phone. I have the same kind and it works just fine. I don’t want your hand-me-downs.”

Tom was insulted, but instead of retaliating he wrote back to Celia, “Thanks for letting me know.  I’m glad you already have a cell phone that you like.  I only want the best for you.”

Two days later Celia admitted, “I was scared that you were getting too close, and if I accepted another gift from you I would be, somehow, obligated.  I’ve thought about it and want you to know I’m sorry.  I love you.”

When Tom did propose, not too long after, Celia’s answer was an enthusiastic, “Yes!”

Freud writes, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.”  In other words, sometimes a cigar is exactly what it seems to be and does not represent anything else.  Likewise, behavior is often just what it appears to be.

But I suggest that you look for the times when a friend may really be asking, “Is it safe?”, when he or she appears to reject you.

Last week I visited with Dr. Carolyn, an eye surgeon.  She told me that a man she really liked had recently asked to spend time apart.

safety-2-peopletools“Is he afraid of you?”

She hesitated.

“I think so.  Yes.”

“Talk to him about it.  Maybe you can help him realize that you’re human too, and even though you’re successful he doesn’t have to be afraid of you.  You need him too.”

Carolyn smiled.  “I’ll give it a try.”

You should always listen to the music behind the words, and pay attention to both the lyrics and the song. Sometimes people are really just asking:  “Is it safe?”

Alan

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Long Ago and Far Away

by Alan C. Fox 2 Comments

Beach-PeopleToolsOne Sunday afternoon when I was a kid, my family drove to the beach. I had more energy than sense, swam out into the ocean, and was promptly slammed to the sand by a huge wave. I ran, crying, to my mother.

“Mommy.  Mommy.  I have something in my eye.  I have something in my eye!”

She examined my right eye.  “I don’t see anything.”

“It’s there.  It hurts, Mommy.  It hurts me.”

“Maybe it’s a grain of sand.”

She took me by my hand to a drug store, bought some eye wash, and showed me how to use it. Finally, with wash streaming down my cheek and a red right eye that had no white, she showed me a grain of sand.

“See, Alan.  Here’s the grain of sand that was in your eye.  It came out.  See?  It’s right here in my hand.”

“But it still hurts.  My eye still hurts.  It’s still in there Mommy.”

“Alan, it’s in my hand.  It might still hurt for a while because your eye remembers that the grain of sand was there.  But it won’t hurt for very long.”

It did hurt for very long.  For two hours.  I kept crying until the pain disappeared.

Switch to the present.

Two hours ago I received the following message from a close friend, with startling news about her daughter.

“Just wanted to let you know that we are in St. Joseph’s ER with Brita.  She has very high blood sugar and we think she may have diabetes.  Her sugar reading was at 211 this morning. I am devastated.  So sad that I can’t even describe.  —Rina.”

Ten years ago my daughter, then seventeen, had a blood sugar reading of 398 when she was diagnosed with Type I diabetes in the emergency room at Encino Hospital.

Rina’s immediate fear is of what this diagnosis might mean for her four-year-old daughter, Brita. She sees a life filled with needles, sleepless nights, and physical vulnerability. Today, that fear is immediate and real.  My daughter was almost an adult when she was diagnosed.  Even so, my wife and I spent many nights slipping into her room to make sure she was still alive and not in a coma.  She has Type 1 diabetes today, and has learned to live with her disease. So have we.  I in no way minimize the impact of Type 1 diabetes.

The pain from a grain of sand in my eye literally blotted out the sun many years ago, but time brings perspective.  Today it is a distant, not painful, memory, and I mostly remember my mother’s care and reassurance.

So, too, will the initial shock of Brita’s diagnosis fade, and the condition will become a part of her life.  As my wife told Rina, “Brita will never remember a time when she didn’t have to stick a needle into her finger to test her blood sugar.”  Until there is a cure, or a work around.

In situations like these, I suggest a perspective that I call “Long ago and far away.”  Pretend that you are on the moon, looking at yourself and your immediate problem from there.  Or pretend that you are on a distant star, a million light years away.  Your immediate condition will seem unimportant from there.

Of course, “long ago and far away” is much easier to write about than it is to put into practice—especially

when you’re right in the midst of a crisis. At this moment Rina’s catastrophe is up close and personal, and much larger than just a grain of sand in a tearful eye.  And this time it is her daughter, not mine, so I am not as close to it.

But even in the worst of times, struggling to maintain perspective can make all the difference.  The experience of Time-Is-Now-PeopleToolspain can give us a greater gratitude for joy.  The reality of illness can give us a better appreciation of normal health.  The prospect of death gives me a greater incentive to write today.That is why surgeons do not operate on close relatives.

We only have today.  Let’s make the most of it.

Alan

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