I often find joy simply by paying attention.

During a morning walk near my office I pass an Indian restaurant that has a small flowerbed in front.  I always enjoy the bright orange and yellow dahlias – their lovely blossoms seem to peer up at me. I appreciate the time someone has spent to cultivate this tiny plot.

Sadly, a few weeks ago I noticed that many of the flowers had wilted, presumably from lack of water.

I’m happy to report that last week the irrigation system had been replaced and the petite garden is again thriving. I am grateful for the renewed splash of color each morning.

When the Los Angeles weather is warm, I typically enjoy my breakfast on a small deck just outside my kitchen.  I especially like the red bougainvillea in the back yard, which always seems to be in bloom, and the tree with yellow trumpet flowers that blossom every three or four months. I take pleasure in being surrounded by natural beauty.

Last Saturday one of my adult children visited, and we had a wonderful, and unexpected, three-hour conversation. It was the highlight of my day, and I’m so glad we found the time to connect with each other.

During the past year, we haven’t been able to enjoy the pleasure of seeing a movie in a theater, or sharing dinner with friends inside a restaurant.  I know exactly the number of friends and family I’ve spent time with at a restaurant or theater since late March, 2020.  That number is zero.

After Saul Bellow won the Nobel Peace Prize for Literature he was asked how he felt. The writer is said to have paused, then answered, “I don’t know.  I haven’t written about it yet.”

I might never be awarded a prize, but I do discover delight whenever I write. My thoughts often surprise me, especially when they seem to appear from nowhere. Often I discover a truth that helps me understand myself better.

During the pandemic we have all slowed down.  That has made it easier to notice everything. I hope that as we gradually return to what our lives were like before COVID, we will still remember to listen to our natural curiosity and sense of wonder.

Let’s continue to pay attention – to peek out at the world closely, as often as we can. And may we always allow room in our hearts and minds to be charmed by small, unexpected joys.

Alan

Have you ever been emotionally offended by another person?  Of course.  The underlying question is:  What, if anything, should you do about it.  You have three basic options:

1. Try to hurt them worse.
2. Talk to them to resolve the hurt and prevent a recurrence.
3. Do nothing. Think of your anger as a small bowl filled with water.  Simply put it out in the morning sun to evaporate.

Let’s consider the benefits and burdens of each alternative.

Retaliation can be fun.  Especially in the planning stages.  A friend never shows up for your dinner party, and offers no explanation.  Why not invite them to another dinner party for a later date when you will be out of town?

But should you actually retaliate?  Do you really want to start a Hatfield vs. McCoy type feud that could last for years?  Do you need additional stress in your life?  Or guilt? Do you really want to assume the morally shaky ground of playing tit for tat?

I have never been a fan of retaliation.  Why should I bother?  I have more constructive and enjoyable activities to attend to, such as writing this blog.

Talking to each other is good.  If you have a close or continuing relationship, then the two of you might have an open and honest conversation.  The risk, of course, is that navigating hurt feelings can be tricky and the conversation could be unproductive – or worse – degenerate into a shouting match, with additional hurt feelings on each side.

If the issue is serious, or can’t be resolved by the two of you, enlisting the help of an outside advisor might help. Sustaining relationships with close friends and family is well worth working through the occasional hurts whenever possible.

Do nothing.  As a devout pragmatist I prefer this approach, especially with people with whom I don’t have an ongoing relationship.  No fuss, no muss, no bother.  Occasionally someone deliberately tries to hurt my feelings.  My reaction is to enjoy my own life even more.

I’ve heard it said that holding on to your anger against another person is like consuming poison and hoping they will die.  That does not appeal to me.  The choice to move on in your life might seem weird at first, but with practice it will become second nature.

Living well is good.

Living well as the best revenge is even better.

Alan

Most of us love to celebrate important milestones. I remember the party for my parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary and my father’s 100^th birthday celebration.  Sadly, I don’t remember my own 80^th birthday party to be held in March, 2020 because it never happened.  I had to cancel four days before the party. The next day the NBA postponed its season, and shortly after that the entire state of California went into lockdown due to COVID-19.

Last week Daveen reminded me that March 22^nd would be our fortieth wedding anniversary.  (She also remembers the birth date of everyone on the planet.)

Daveen was, of course, correct – it’s been forty years!  If you follow my blog you will have read about many of our adventures together (and you can find all of my blogs at peopletoolsbook.com).  While this year we weren’t able to commemorate the occasion with a public gathering, we still enjoyed our own private celebration.

I’m delighted that Daveen and I been together for most of our lives. Like many young couples, we liked the thought of growing older together.  Not that we are old – that standard is a moving target – but we are getting closer.

Growing older together.  Is the reality of this as romantic as it seemed the day we were married?  Absolutely.  I love our many shared experiences and being able to communicate in shorthand. While others might not know what I’m referring to when I mention our return from Iceland, Daveen knows exactly what that means.  (Helpful hint: don’t pack your prescription drugs in a single bottle, like I did, when crossing an international border.  We met a few Customs officers who love to confiscate unlabeled pills.  Especially painkillers.)

Sharing lives, both the joys and the sorrows, with the same partner for more than forty years is comforting. By now we have worked out most of the “bugs,” and neither of us is going anywhere.

At 11:30 pm on March 22, 1981, I carried Daveen over the threshold of our room at the Pierpont Inn after a full wedding day. I was so happy I didn’t notice that the flowers I’d ordered to surprise her had never been delivered to our room (they were still in the hotel office). As you might imagine, even without the flowers, it was a wonderful night.

Happy birthdays and anniversaries to all!

Alan

P.S. The Pierpont Inn refunded $50.00 to me for the flowers.