Who do you talk to more often than anyone else?

If you’re like me, the answer is — yourself.  But when you talk to yourself you should be careful. There’s no one else to hear you, or comment, or give you advice.

My solo conversations (or internal monologues), begin as soon as I wake up in the morning.  They used to go like this.

“What time is it?  Should I go back to sleep or should I get up?  Should I work out this morning?  Oh, yes, today is Thursday.  When is my first appointment?  What’s on my schedule?  Drat!  It’s going to be a tough day.”

The final sentence in the above monologue is a really bad idea. I should not start the day by telling myself I’m not going to enjoy myself because whatever I tell myself tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  So I will restart.

“What time is it?  I’m feeling good and looking forward to every opportunity the day might bring.  It’s going to be delightful.  I’m looking forward to it.”

Every day of my life brings a new parade.  Naturally, I enjoy some of the marching bands more than others.  But I think it’s always best to take a certain page out of my father’s book.

Every night before he goes to sleep Dad gives thanks for another beautiful day.

I aim to do that every morning, as well as throughout the day.

You can talk to yourself whenever you like, without even moving your lips.  You can tell yourself whatever you choose.  No one but you will ever know, so your secret is safe.

But I’m not going to talk myself out of having a good day. I’m going to look forward to everything I do, and applaud each new experience.

I refuse to rain on my own parade.

Alan

It doesn’t matter how well a relationship begins — to keep it healthy both partners need to pay close attention to their communication along the way.  It’s like driving a car.  You need to make necessary adjustments as you go.

I recently met a therapist who gave me a great tip on how to keep a relationship successful.

She suggested that when you communicate with a loved one you should always ask yourself three questions.

1. Is what I’m about to say true?
2. Is it kind?
3. Is it necessary?

I thought about that for a few days.  Then I memorized her list.

Truth, of course, should be automatic.  If you or your partner regularly lie to each other, your relationship will have serious problems.  Life is too short. Each of you deserves to know the truth.

Kindness is the foundation of every nourishing relationship.  If you aren’t kind to each other, why are you together?

And if you are about to say something that might hurt your partner’s feelings, it should be absolutely necessary, even if it is both truthful and kind.

Years ago at the end of a dinner at the home of my parents’ best friends, Marion and Irving, my father demonstrated all three standards.

My father loved cheesecake.  After we finished the main course Marion said to Dad, “Fred, in your honor I have baked your favorite desert — my special cheesecake.”

She cut the first slice and handed it to him.

“What do you think?”

Dad slowly tasted the cheesecake.  He seemed to savor it.  But a strange look spread across his face.

“I like it,” he said, “but it’s personal.”

The rest of us tried a slice.  All of us liked cheesecake.  But I immediately spit it out.

“It tastes like garlic,” I said.

Our hostess was shocked.  Then she sampled the cheesecake herself.  And she spit it out.

“Fred, it does taste like garlic.  I’m so sorry.”

“Yup,” he said.  “But I like garlic.  That’s why I said it’s personal.”

None of us, except my dad, ate the cheesecake.  But we all enjoyed a good laugh about it for many years.

“I guess I accidentally put in garlic powder instead of powdered sugar.”

Marion’s face was red.

“It’s okay,” my dad said.  “This time your cheesecake is really special.”

As I said, my dad was truthful.

He was kind.  He didn’t say, “This cheesecake is awful.”

And Dad’s answer was also necessary.  Marion had asked the question, and soon the rest of us were going to discover the answer for ourselves anyway.

You might pass this idea on to those you love.  Not about garlic cheesecake, but to be sure that what you say to those you love is truthful, kind, and necessary.

And if you can make it funny as well, so much the better.

Alan

Years ago, I spent a day with my friend Warren and his five year old son Kevin. Unfortunately, late in the afternoon Kevin was accidentally hit in the chest by a baseball bat.  He was bruised, bleeding, and cried loudly as Warren drove him to the hospital emergency room.

“Stop crying,” Warren kept saying.  “You aren’t hurt.  Tell me you aren’t hurt.”

I understand that Warren was scared and upset.  So was I.  And so was Kevin, who cried even harder, almost losing his breath at times, throughout our five-minute ride to the hospital. Clearly Warren’s assertion that Kevin wasn’t hurt had no effect on Kevin’s feeling of being hurt.

Most of us have experienced the vocal dissatisfaction of a partner.  I still remember long ago when I called my wife Susan and promised to be home for dinner at six pm. But I lost track of time and, without letting her know I would be late, I arrived closer to seven thirty.

I did not receive Susan’s usual warm embrace when I walked through the door.

“I expected you at six.  Now dinner is in the oven, drying out.  You should have called to tell me you’d be late.  I made a special dinner for you that is now ruined.  I’m really upset.”

Daniel Patrick Moynihan famously remarked, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”  When someone I love is angry with me I want their ire to disappear. In the past, my first reaction was often to dispute their facts.

“I don’t remember telling you six.”  Or, “You might have called to remind me.”  Or, “I didn’t think dinner would actually be ready on time.”

Disputing the facts only leads to a longer and louder argument.  What I really should have done, and have learned to do, is aim for a quick apology – mine.  There is one fact I should not, and cannot, ever disagree with.  And that fact is your report of how you feel.

Susan said, “I’m upset.”  I didn’t like to hear that, especially because I felt (and was) responsible for disappointing her.  What should I have said?  “Susan, you’re not upset.  You’re just tired.”  Or, “Susan, why are you lying to me?  You’re not really upset at all.”

Been there.  Done that. I have found that denying another person’s report of how they feel is a fool’s errand.  It has never worked any better for me than Warren’s “Tell me you aren’t hurt” did with his crying son.

Let’s agree to agree that if I tell you I feel tired that, in fact, I feel tired.  Like it or not, it’s a fact you have to accept.  Let’s also agree to agree that if you tell me you are thrilled to have received my invitation that, in fact, you are thrilled.

You and I are the world’s biggest experts on our how we feel at any given time.  In fact, you and I are the world’s only experts on the subject of how we are feeling.

When you respect and honor my feelings, and I respect and honor yours, we will enjoy a more harmonious relationship.  I feel happy about that.

Alan