As I settle into my seat at the beginning of each commercial airline flight, I hear a short speech about how to buckle and release my seatbelt, how to use the flotation device in the event of a water landing, and (finally) the importance of putting on my own oxygen mask first, before assisting others.

The instruction to take care of myself first seems selfish, flying in the face of my parental instinct to place my children’s needs ahead of my own.  After all, if there isn’t enough food for the entire family, don’t we feed our children first?

So why isn’t it selfish to care for ourselves first in an airplane?  Because if you need an oxygen mask and don’t put yours on first, you may not be able to help your children later.

Taking this analogy to a deeper level, aren’t there many times when we should take care of ourselves first? How else will we have enough experience, knowledge, and money to help care for others, and still be there to help out with our grandchildren?

Years ago, a friend, her sister, and her teenage daughter, were swimming in the Pacific Ocean at a beach south of Carmel, California.  A sudden wave tumbled the daughter into the open sea.  Our friend immediately (and understandably) dove in to save her daughter.  Unfortunately she was swept out to sea herself, never to be seen again, while a second wave carried her daughter back onto the shore and safety.

For the past six months I have been walking at least 7,000 steps each day.  To achieve this, I am sometimes selfish with how I spend my time.  I will occasionally, and abruptly, terminate a conversation with a family member.

“I’ve got to get in 2,000 more steps today,” I say as I quickly stride away.

I am certainly taking care of myself, but I’m also taking care of my family because in putting my own needs first, I will be better able to care for them in the future.

I’m an unrepentant pragmatist.  I prefer actions that work.  If I’m ever on an airplane and the oxygen mask actually deploys in front of me, you can bet that I’ll put on my mask first, because sometimes taking care of ourselves is the most selfless act any of us can do.

Alan

We’ve all been there.

“Can I eat my desert now?”

“You can’t have desert until after you finish all of your spinach.”

This is a common, but appalling, parenting technique, and is much more likely to result in an argument rather than in the enjoyment of vegetables.  The child hears, “My parent is a dictator using their position to force me to eat something I hate (unless perhaps I scream loud enough or nag long enough), while they’ve already finished their apple pie.”

There is a concept of contract law known as a “condition precedent.”  In legal terms that means I have to mow your lawn first (the “condition precedent”) before you have the obligation to pay me. When parents insists that a child eat all of the spinach before their sweet reward, they are announcing a condition precedent.

If I was your neighbor you wouldn’t even consider approaching me with a brusque statement such as, “I won’t pay you until after you have completed mowing my lawn.” You are much more likely to gain my cooperation if you ask nicely.

Why not bring a positive attitude to our role as parents? I suggest we aspire to be gentle guides rather than dictators.

Each morning Daveen and I used to say to our young daughters, “You get to go to school today,” and never, “You have to go to school today.”  Now, when I remember to say it properly to my grandchildren, and when their parents aren’t hovering, I say, “Sure, you can enjoy your desert as soon as you finish this delicious spinach.  I’ll eat some more with you.”

Brute force produces a short-term reward. Positive reinforcement produces permanent change.  Also, life and lessons are more fun and memorable when your guide is gentle, rather than scary.

Let’s each express our positive care, respect, and encouragement whenever we offer guidance to those we love.

Alan

This blog is a love letter to Teamwork.

Dear Teamwork,

I love you.

In my twenties I entered the world of business, certain that I was the smartest person in the room and had all the answers.  Of course, over time I discovered through many mistakes that I was wrong about that.

What a difference fifty years makes.  Teamwork, you have taught me a lot – notably that in order to succeed we need to work together.

Today I realize there are many areas in which I know very little.  Sometimes I don’t even know how to ask the right questions. For example, I am definitely not an expert on health care, which is why I am always grateful to have Daveen with me when I visit a doctor.

Over the years I’ve learned that teamwork is essential to identify solutions, and is also essential to effectively implement a plan of action.

Simply put, there is no way I can reach my goals in life without help.  It’s not only more productive, but also more fun, to work as a team.

It seems natural for us to organize ourselves into groups that share objectives. The Sierra Club, a political party, or a baseball little league are all organized around mutual interests.  We hold meetings to discuss problems, identify solutions, and put our plans into action.

For many years I’ve been part of a team at ACF Property Management, Inc.  We are a group of about forty, working together to manage commercial real estate throughout the United States.  One of the important secrets of our success is that almost everyone at ACF knows a lot more about how best to do their specific job than I or anyone else.  We work well together and we all contribute.

One of my worst fears is that one morning I will arrive at work and no one else will be here.  What could I accomplish all by myself?  Not nearly as much as we can together.

I am extremely thankful for our outstanding team at ACF, for my extended family which is always helpful and supportive, and to Daveen who is half of our tiny team of two.

Now it’s time to email this blog to a friend for editing.

Teamwork, I love you.

Alan