For those of us who live with another human being, especially when it’s 24/7, we need to think about the issue of conflict and compromise.  I believe I have a unique view on this that most couples would find helpful.

All of us have core issues – those personal needs we will not compromise. I think of these as “deal-breakers.”   Some of my core issues are:

1. No drinking to excess.
2. No physical or emotional violence.  In other words, “fight fair.”
3. Spending a certain amount of undivided time together almost every day.

I will not compromise any of my core values. From my perspective, core issues, once identified, are easy to deal with.  If my partner disagrees with mine, or I disagree with hers, then we’re not compatible as partners.  This may be easier said than done, but it should be both said, and done.

All other issues are preferences that can be negotiated.  You might be a vegan while I’m an omnivore.  You might prefer to eat dinner at 8:00 while I favor 5:30.  You might like to talk to many people on the phone every day while I communicate by email. I see no reason why I should even attempt to coerce you into changing your preferences.  To me that would be a fool’s errand and cause unnecessary conflict.

The best way to avoid conflict is to be as flexible as you can, and to accept your partner “as is.”  That’s easy to do when the flower of love first blooms.  It’s not so easy when the petals begin to drop from the rose.

After living for 80 years, I no longer believe that there is a “right” or “wrong” way to do anything.  There are just preferences.  I may be comfortable with clutter.  You might prefer to organize and label every box, can, and bottle in the pantry. Personally, I really like everything to be physically organized. I just don’t like to do it myself.  (I have learned over the years, however, that it’s best for everyone, including me, when I throw my own clothes in the hamper at the end of the day.)

One constructive piece of advice I offer to anyone in a relationship, is to actively try, when possible, to minimize conflict.  When you realize that differences are just inclinations, and not the end of the world, you become easier to live with and disputes tend to dissipate.

It is said that compromise is when both sides are unhappy with the result.  In politics that may be the way it has to be.  Just pass the legislation, or not, and move on.  But in my life why would I want to continually make compromises that I’m unhappy with or that become the source of unhappiness for my partner?  That’s why I favor cooperation, rather than compromise.  Let’s both be as flexible as we possibly can, and share compliments rather than criticism.  I’m thinking of the title of a book I read years ago, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff – and It’s All Small Stuff.

I enjoy being part of a couple.  I love caring and being cared for.  But I have to do my part first, and trust my partner to reciprocate.

I hope Daveen reads this and realizes how wonderful I am.

Alan

Transitions can be difficult.

Years ago, when I was studying in the Counselor Education program at USC, I learned that when we are hit by too many changes in a short period of time our health can suffer.

Some of the most stressful changes are marriage, divorce, birth, death, a new job, and moving. Because I know about the health consequences of too much stress, I do my best to never make more than one major life change in a twelve-month period.

Of course, many events we experience in life, such as the current Pandemic, are entirely beyond our control.

Today Daveen and I visited one of our sons and his family. All of us were seated outside, ten feet apart, and there was no touching.  In fact, Daveen is the only person I’ve touched in five months.  That is different.

Today, also for the first time in five months, Daveen and I enjoyed a “take-out” lunch together under a temporary awning erected by the restaurant. There were no other diners within fifteen feet of us.  We felt lucky to find a remote table where it was safe to enjoy brunch outside and we didn’t have to eat in our car.

The coronavirus requires not only a tremendous adjustment in the way we live, but also introduces a high level of uncertainty.  When will the economy recover?  What will work look like a year from now?  Will we ever be able to hug each other freely again?  No one knows. We can only guess.

The one emotion I can maintain, however, is my optimism.

Every day I appreciate the positive ways in which my life has changed for the better.  I am eating healthier than ever. Most evenings I eat a delicious salad for dinner.  I’m walking between six and seven thousand steps a day.  I work from home much more than before, and I’m grateful to be a part of a creative and dedicated team at my office.

A recent study I read about in Science Daily demonstrates that even when people know they have only taken a placebo, it still has a powerful effect. Subjects felt better despite knowing that their treatment wasn’t real. Think about that.  Where is your life if not in your head?

Of course, there are some patterns that we don’t change.  I still write my blog Sunday evening.  Most mornings I enjoy the same breakfast.  And I still prefer not to talk on the phone.

Keep safe for another week.

Alan

We all face challenges in life. When our friends encounter rough spots we support them.  Several years ago many of my friends and family helped me enormously in dealing with an unexpected personal problem.

It is possible, however, that even with the best of intentions we inadvertently become part of the problem.

When you’re living through a major life change, has anyone ever said to you, “I know you must be very upset.”

That statement, intended as sympathetic, always disturbs me, especially when I am handling the problem to my satisfaction and trying to keep it out of my mind.

This may be a subtle point, but to me it’s important.  I’ll elaborate.

Why automatically assume that a friend is upset?  Maybe he or she is perfectly fine with the situation.  Years ago my close friend John was fired from a position he held for a decade.  When I joined him for dinner that evening I greeted John with, “Congratulations!”

He looked surprised. “What do you mean, ‘Congratulations’?  Alan, I just lost my job.”

“John, you’ve complained about that job for ten years. You’ve been miserable, and you’re better off without it.  I guarantee that six months from now you’ll be earning a better income and you’ll be a lot happier.”

Once John recovered from my surprising greeting we enjoyed a pleasant and positive dinner. He was happier when we walked out of the restaurant, and six months later John was thrilled with his new job.

Years ago a man I worked with complained regularly while we walked to the parking lot at the end of the day.  I made suggestions, but he never accepted a single one.

After a year we were both completely frustrated. Finally, he said to me, “Alan, I don’t want your suggestions.  I just want to complain.”

I was shocked.  How could anybody not want my suggestions?  But, of course, he was right.  I was giving him something he didn’t want.  Today, before offering a suggestion, I ask, “Do you want advice, or do you just want to complain?”

Now, when a friend faces a crisis, I don’t butt in.  I ask how they’re feeling to find out if they want to talk about it.  I might start with, “Are you okay?”  Their answer could range from, “I’m fine,” to “I don’t want to talk about it,” to “I’m a basket case.”  I respond accordingly.

Also, in my professional life I typically face several “disasters” every day.  In the afternoon, when I’m tired and in the midst of the third or fourth “disaster,” I usually just laugh. It breaks the tension, and is a lot more productive than becoming angry.

We might not have the answers. But let’s be considerate with each other.  Let’s be part of the solution.

Alan