I’m not talking about a Peach Crumble Pie, for which you can easily find an excellent Martha Stewart or Betty Crocker recipe online.  (I like mine warm, with a dollop of vanilla ice cream.)

I am talking about a distressing pattern that any one of us can easily fall into.

The Grumble is complaining.

The Mumble is expressing your complaint indirectly.

The Crumble is the relationship which may be disintegrating.

I’m most aware of The Grumble Mumble Crumble when I hear someone speaking to a family member with overt irritation in his or her voice.

“Have you taken out the trash yet?”

I realize that by reading this question on paper you can’t tell the tone of voice, and that is exactly my point.  Tone of voice.  The attitude of the speaker could be cheerful, perhaps offering a helpful reminder.  Or the speaker may want to add today’s junk mail to the trash that will be picked up tomorrow.  Or the speaker might be sarcastic (“Why do I have to remind you to take out the trash.  Again?”), or just plain irritated (“You constantly disappoint me by not carrying out your responsibilities in our relationship and I’m tired of reminding you.”)

No relationship is going to be la-tee-dah happy all of the time. That’s perfectly normal.  Complaints happen.  But grumbling doesn’t help. Why not ask for what you need in a pleasant way?  If clarification is needed a simple and direct statement will usually suffice.  “I want to get rid of this junk mail.  Should I take it out to the trash, or can I put it in the waste basket?”

No Grumble.  No Mumble.  And no Crumble.

I was with a couple at a nice resort recently, and heard one of them say to the other, “Have you made our dinner reservation yet?”

The tone was nasty.  I cringed, and suddenly lost interest in having dinner with them.  It’s difficult to be a bystander when a couple is indirectly expressing their irritation to each other.

The other member of the couple said, “Why don’t you make the reservation yourself?  You know how to use a phone.”

Ouch.

This Grumble Mumble here was obvious.  It often is, when someone else is doing the talking.

But I invite you to listen carefully to yourself when you talk to a family member.  Are you unconsciously expressing a bit of unresolved frustration you’ve been carrying around from earlier in the day or earlier in your life?  Do your words come out in a way that you don’t intend?

I know it is tempting for you to think, “Yeah.  My partner does that all of the time.”

Maybe they do.  But maybe – and of course this is a long shot – you sometimes sound irritated too.

Please don’t show this blog to your partner and say, “See!  Alan is right!  You do this to me all of the time.”

Instead, please look up one of those recipes and prepare a delicious Crumble for dessert tonight.  Just be certain to leave out the Grumble and the Mumble.

Thanks.

Smiley face.

Alan

“Sometimes women in families put themselves last,” Angelina Jolie recently told Vanity Fair.  “Until it manifests itself in their own health.”

Jolie makes a very important point. We face decisions every day about whether to put ourselves, or others, first.  That series of decisions, repeated day after day, forms a pattern of behavior that has a long-term impact on our lives, for better or for worse. It is possible that Angelina Jolie’s pattern of putting herself last has contributed to several of her health challenges, including, most recently, Bell’s Palsy.

We all have personal values, especially around our children and loved ones.  We want to show our love by helping them.  But when we look deeply into our choices we might find that we are, in fact, working against our own ideals.

My first priority is my own health.  That may seem selfish, but if it is important to me to help my family and others, and if I sacrifice my own health in pursuing that goal, am I not working against myself?

If I drive eighty miles an hour to get to the hospital to help a loved one, and get into an accident in which I am injured or killed, how much help will I be when I arrive at the emergency room (or morgue) in an ambulance myself?

If I work eighty hours a week to support my family and die of a heart attack at midnight alone at my desk, how helpful will I be to them in the future?  Hopefully, I will be up-to-date on paying the premiums on a large life insurance policy.

If you are always helpful to your children and to your friends but suffer from hypertension, how effective will you be in five or ten years?

I know a few people who are always helpful and often put me first. While I deeply appreciate their help, I want to take care of them as well.  I feel uncomfortable, and unneeded, if they don’t let me reciprocate by taking care of them once in a while.  When I was eight years old I saved my allowance for three months to treat my family to dinner.  My father took his responsibility as the family breadwinner very seriously, and he was embarrassed at being “treated” to dinner by his young son.  But I was really happy that he let me help my family.  I felt needed.

A friend of mine just returned from a week-long bicycle vacation with his wife.

“We had such a wonderful time,” he said.  “We enjoyed the scenery, the food, and the wine.  It was the first time in five years my wife and I had taken a vacation by ourselves.  We decided to send our daughters to camp again next year and take another vacation – just the two of us.”

We can best take care of others when we remember that it is sometimes necessary to take care of ourselves first.

Angelina, thanks for the tip.  I hope you’re slightly more selfish in the future, so you can continue to be selfless with those you love.

Alan

I have run my own business for more than fifty years. One of my primary goals has been to earn a profit. The idea behind this is simple:  No profit, no business.  To stay in business you have to meet a payroll on time as well as pay your rent, electricity, and telephone bills.

When asked what I want from my business, or from my life, I have often answered with a single word:  More.

If you were to ask the owners, or top managers, of any “for profit” business in the United States how much profit they would like their business to earn next year they would almost certainly confirm my former answer:  More.  After all, if “some” is good, isn’t “more” better?  And aren’t managers rewarded with financial bonuses and promotions when profit increases?

Perhaps.  But I would argue that in the United States today the unceasing quest for more profit is the enemy.

Trained as a CPA, I know how to analyze and evaluate expenses on an Income Statement.  But as a business owner and investor I have also learned that the pursuit of profit incurs many severe costs that will never appear on a financial report.  For example:

1. At the moment I’m a passenger on a flight from Los Angeles to Hawaii on “We Get You There So Shut Up and Suffer” Airline. The plane is old, not well maintained, and the legroom in Economy is deplorable.  For my next trip I’ll try “Anyone Else” Airline, even if it costs me more.  “Shut Up and Suffer” may earn a greater profit this year, but not next year.
2. I often offer an incentive out of my own pocket when I’m selling something. My friend Ed, a university professor, spends up to ten percent of his salary to help his students.  We are not focusing on profit, but on value.
3. At seventy-seven years old I sometimes wonder if I have “sold” more of my life to work than I should have. On the teeter-totter of life when financial gain goes up, must happiness go down?  Often yes.  In my case I’m comfortable with my decision, but I decided when I started out not to reach too high for profit.
4. I find that many businesses, both large and small, fight for every penny. Up to a certain point a struggle may be needed to survive, or maybe it’s just for sport.  But after a point there is a cost, mental and physical, which I call the friction of conflict.  You will never find “Cost of Conflict” on the financial statement of Exon, Apple, or my company.  But the Cost of Conflict is always paid for in sick tummies, throbbing headaches, or failing relationships.
5. The goal of more is often unreachable. Failure to Exceed last year’s profit becomes a failure.  But if your salary goes down instead of up might you enjoy yourself more?  There is always a price, often heavy, to be paid for the unrelenting pursuit of More.

Capitalism may be forever, but your lifetime is finite.

I also believe that you can earn and keep more money when you invite more fun into your life, when you let your mind wander in the shower, and when you come into work with a fresh outlook.

I’m on vacation today, and writing this blog is fun even though it doesn’t earn a dime.

Of course, tomorrow I have a ticket back to Los Angeles on good old, and I do mean old, “Shut Up and Suffer” Airline.

Alan