Most marriages begin with deep love and high hopes.  Over a period of time, however, love fades, high hopes languish, and the relationship becomes burdened by disappointment that is revealed in overt and covert disapproval.

This decline can be prevented, and my faith was restored on a flight from Dallas when I sat next to Hank, a tall Texan, who spun the following tale which gives me hope for all of us.

“Alan, this morning Angela, my wife, left the lights on in our bathroom.  Again.  Now that used to bother me because every time I leave a room I hear my father’s voice warning me to ‘Turn off the lights when you leave the room.  Electricity is expensive.’  Dad was sure thrifty.”

“So what did you do this morning?”

“Well, when I found the lights blazing this morning, long after the sun was up, I turned them off.  Angela was gone somewhere.  She’s been really busy and, frankly, I don’t mind her few – I call them ‘misses by the missus’.  I just smile and take care of the problem myself, including the occasional dirty dishes in the sink.”

“So burning lights and dirty dishes don’t bother you?”

Alan, not any more.  No, sir.  When we were first married four children ago we had the following talk.

“Angela, when you left this morning you left the bathroom lights on.  Again.”

“Oh.  Right. Hank. And did you leave your pants on the floor?  Again?  Did you put your shoes on the shelf?”

“Uh, well . . . “

“And when was the last time you washed your car?  Or should I say, when was the last time you had it washed for you?”

“Alan, she used to call these ‘messups by the mister.’”

I smiled.  “Hank, in my life I’ve had similar experiences.  We’ve all have disappointments with our life partners.”

“Yup.  Y’know, Alan (he patted me on the shoulder), I learned a long time ago that when I complained Angela just complained back more.  And I know I‘m not perfect.  So I just plain gave up pickin’ at her, and she let go of pickin’ on me, and now we get along just fine.  I figure that nitpicking is the losing side of life.  I look at her wonderful caring for me and the kids, and I’m real happy with the total package.  Why bother with what, back on the farm, we called “hog tying a greased pig.”

I laughed.  “Hank, you should talk to my dad.  When I was twenty-one, and getting married for the first time, he said to me, ‘Alan, don’t expect your wife to change.  Take her like she is and enjoy the heck out of your life.’  Of course, I didn’t listen to him.  What do parents know?”

“Son, I’m a guessin’ that you and I have both learned a lot in our time on this planet.”

On my way home from the airport in Los Angeles I ran my car through a car wash.  I was getting tired of those bird droppings which had been on the roof of my car for weeks.

Yessiree.

Alan

Years ago I saw a comedy show in Inverness, Scotland. I still remember one of the comedian’s jokes.

“I’m on a seafood diet,” he said.  “I see food, I eat it.”

All too true.

I recently read a study about candy dishes at offices.  When the candy was placed on the edge of someone’s desk they ate more than when it was placed twenty feet away.

In my twenties, when I was newly married, a friend asked me why I didn’t often buy my wife a new dress.

“It’s not the cost of the dress that concerns me.  I’m bothered by the lost income on the money for the rest of my life.  That lost income makes the dress pretty expensive,” I said.

Yesterday my son Craig sent me an article that highlighted how many Americans teeter on the edge of financial ruin.  Forty-seven percent of those interviewed said they could not come up with four hundred dollars to meet a sudden emergency. This group included many who earned more than one hundred thousand dollars a year.

What do these examples have in common — Eating food when you see it, spending money when you have it?  Both illustrate the natural human impulse to indulge a desire for instant gratification.

When a tribe killed a large animal years ago, the meat couldn’t be preserved, so everyone ate as much as they could. That desire was important for self-preservation. Today binge eating is dangerous. Most everyone has, at times, eaten too much and suffered the consequences later.  “Moments on the lips, years on the hips.”  At one time in my life I weighed two hundred and seventy eight pounds. I found it difficult to stand up after sitting on the sofa.  Many health issues are caused by binge eating.  Strike one against instant gratification.

Today we use money to obtain what we need. But our supply of money is limited. If we buy a new car today we may not have enough money for dinner next week.  In graduate school I met a teacher, Louise, who was paid at the end of each month.  During the three or four days before her next paycheck she often had nothing to eat.

In People Tools for Business, I wrote about a wise professor’s top ten rules for business.  The first rule: “Don’t run out of money.”  The tenth rule:  “Don’t run out of money.”  I personally know businessmen and women who spend more than they have on shiny new equipment, unnecessary research, or a large support staff. When they can’t pay the bills everyone suffers – their families, suppliers, and employees.  That stress can be a killer.  Strike two against instant gratification.

My solution for both problems is this:  train yourself to enjoy the process of deferred gratification.  Look forward to the quality, not the quantity, of your next meal, and put less food on your plate right now.  Half a sandwich for lunch works for me.  I can enjoy the second half for dinner.  If I don’t see it, I’m less likely to eat it.

With money, make it fun to save.  Lorry, a friend at work, used to have jars in which she would put money for a college fund, a vacation, or a new dress.  She made a game of saving, and always had enough money to meet her needs.

I know this may take time and may not be easy at first, but it’s fun to teach yourself to play the long game. As Shakespeare wrote, “Small showers last long, but sudden storms are short.”

Alan

Since the 1980’s it’s been popular to “live in the moment.”  That’s what a therapist told me I should do more than thirty years ago.

While I understand the concept, I’ve questioned the necessity of the advice.  How is it possible not to live in the moment?  “The moment” is really all we have.

The therapist was really recommending that I pay attention to the moment, and not dwell excessively on either the past or the future. It’s what we now think of as “mindfulness.” To be mindful we simply pay attention to our bodies, our thoughts, and our surroundings.

After my mother died my father dated Barbara. Over a period of seven or eight years we got together once or twice a week. I don’t remember a single time when Barbara failed to talk about her former husband. I know that he played football for The University of Southern California in the 1940’s. Though I don’t know if he died or if they separated, he was always the topic of her conversations, which became predictable and boring.

I don’t much dwell on the past. But the past is helpful to me as a guide to the future. I like to return to the restaurants I have enjoyed, and I prefer to avoid the people and places I didn’t like. My past helps me to improve my life in the present.

Athena has been my friend for more than fifty years. When she was younger she only looked forward to the future – her next date, her next vacation, her next relationship. She never seemed to value whatever she was doing at the time.  Today Athena is retired and fortunately she finally seems able to savor the moment, spending much of her time with her daughter and granddaughter.

I don’t live for the future, but I do enjoy planning for the future – what movie to see tonight, where my business might be six months or a year from now, and where in the world I might travel next. I’m clear about that process – I am living in the moment while I am planning, enjoying both the process and my anticipation of what may come.

Many experiences, such as a fine dinner, are best savored entirely in the moment.  Some experiences, such as a great vacation, I might enjoy more in memory. I can relive the best parts, such as visiting the British Camp in Antarctica that was abandoned in about 1955, and forget about the worst parts of the trip such as being cold. Other experiences are best enjoyed in anticipation. I enjoy the thought of seeing a new movie more than the actual experience because few movies live up to my high expectations. Of course, while seeing a bad movie I can also enjoy the thought of complaining about it later.

You can live in the moment and still enjoy a memory or a pleasant expectation.  All we really have is right now.

Happy Fourth of July!

Alan