People ToolsA Blog By Alan C. Fox
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Alan C. FoxAuthor. Entrepreneur. Game-changer.
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How to Be the Right Person

by Alan C. Fox 3 Comments

 

Right-Person-PeopleToolsMy childhood fairy tale was to grow up, fall in love, then get married and live happily ever after.  My parents were married for more than fifty years.  When I was young I seldom heard a harsh word between them.  Mom and Dad seemed to prove that the fairy tale was real.

Alas, for me, after ten years of marriage to my high school sweetheart Jo Anne, the “happily ever after” part was shredded by conflict.

Then I met Jill.  We lived “happily ever after” for three years.

Next I met and married Susan.  It took four years for “happily ever after” to fade into a vague memory.

After breaking up with Jo Anne and Jill I knew the problem was simple.  I had chosen the wrong person.  But when Susan and I tumbled off the precipice of divorce I began to realize that the problem was not Susan.  Or Jo Anne.  Or Jill.  The problem was me.  At that point I decided it was more important for me to be the right person than to find the right person.

This is when another of my favorite fairy tales fell apart.  I had expected to find my “one and only.”  Yet I had met not one, but three “one and only’s.”

Right-Person-PeopleTool-2Today I realize that I could be perfectly happy, or unhappy, with any one of ten thousand one and only’s.  I know this isn’t romantic, but based upon my personal experience it is true.  By putting more energy into being the right person than into finding the right person I have been married to Daveen for 35 years.

How do I seek to “be” the right person in a relationship?

  1. I have to be authentic.  I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not for the sake of winning favor. I don’t act as if I want to travel if, in reality, what I really want to do at the end of each day is fall asleep in my own bed.
  2. I recognize I am not the right person for everyone. Daveen likes me as I am.  Mostly.
  3. I need a partner who is authentic with me.  Daveen was recently at the wedding of Bob and Ellen.  Immediately after the ceremony Bob’s new “one and only (but not for very long)” said to him, “Now I never have to set foot on your damned sailboat again.”  Neither Daveen nor I want to own a sailboat.  In fact, she says that “camping out” is when the hotel does not have twenty-four hour room service.
  4. We each need to be clear about our needs and expectations.  Thirty-five years ago Daveen and I discussed our living together basics.  We verified that we shared similar values, interests, and a vision for our long-term happiness.  At night, for example, we like to go to bed at the same time.
  5. I practice the art of compromise with a smile.  I know that Daveen does not find me to be perfect.  This is not a secret.  She has told me so personally.  More than once.  I am not able to provide everything Daveen wants, and neither of us is going to gain every single thing we want from our marriage, or from our lives.  We have to compromise and be cheerful about the concessions we make.
  6. I look at the positives in our marriage through a telescope.  I look at the negatives through the other end of the telescope.
  7. We each have outside interests and friendships.  Few people do well together 24/7, even on the beach in Hawaii.

In order to give life direction and meaning, each of us needs a dream.  But to help our dream come true we must seek not only to find the right person, but also to be the right person.

Alan

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The Best Defense Is No Defense

by Alan C. Fox 0 Comments

 

hearts-PeopleToolsWhen I think of defense I think of forts in the 19th century American West, where pioneers huddled, protected from attack by walls and the U.S. army.  I think of castles in England, with drawbridges, gates, and moats.  I think of Neighborhood Watch groups, trying to spot potential intruders and keep them out of the neighborhood. Defense, by definition, is designed to keep others away or chase them off.

Years ago I read an excellent book, Do I Have to Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? written by Jordan and Margaret Paul. As it turns out, I attended elementary school with Margaret, then known as Margie.  The book suggests a skill which I highly recommend, and, at times, even use myself.

When someone at work or at home has a problem with me (which, of course, is almost never J), Margie’s book suggests that I can respond with either “an intent to learn,” or “an intent to defend.”  In other words, I can hide in my castle shooting arrows and pouring boiling oil to keep the invader out, or I can roll down the drawbridge, open up my heavy gates, and invite the trespasser in for dinner.

Which would you prefer?  Suppose you have invited me to dinner at your home, and I am an hour late, with no explanation or apology.  After a few moments of strained pleasantries, you might say, “Alan, you were an hour late.  I was concerned.”

I might play defense:

“I wasn’t late.  This is the time you invited me for.”

“You know I’m usually late.  You should have expected it.”

“The last two times I invited you to dinner at my home you were half an hour late, so I’m just getting even.”

“Since when is being late a big deal?”

“Traffic was terrible.  And I lost your phone number.  And the dog ate my cell phone.  And I ran out of gas.  And your house is hard to find.  And you didn’t tell me that it was important for me to be on time.  And I wasn’t hungry.  And my mother died this morning.”

In other words, I can tell you that I did nothing to offend you, and suggest that, somehow, you are at fault.

If I do this, will you invite me to dinner again anytime soon?  I wouldn’t. And not because of lateness, but because of defensiveness.  I wouldn’t feel that you heard me, and, more importantly, I would feel that you would probably do the same thing over again.  I would be downright angry with you.

But suppose that instead of defending myself I said, “Please say more.”

Do-Things-Kindness-PeopleTools“I spent hours preparing a special dinner, which has now been in the oven too long and is probably dry.  I also worried that you had been in an auto accident and were killed or injured.  And my husband is upset with me because his friends had to wait so long.”

“Thanks for telling me.  I have no excuse, I appreciate your invitation, and if you were an hour late, I would be concerned and feel the same way you do.  If I am ever late again I promise to call you.  My behavior is inexcusable.”

“Thanks.  Let’s sit down and enjoy dinner.”

If you value either friendships or intimacy, I suggest that the best defense is no defense at all.  I invite you to permanently demolish the walls of your fortress, swing your castle gates open, and ask strangers you may find wandering around your neighborhood how you can help them.

Alan

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