A toxic person is one who regularly evokes negative emotions in you.  Since Patterns Persist (see my first People Tools book) it’s not difficult to identify a toxic friend, family member, or coworker because they will repeatedly pollute your life for as long as you let them.

Years ago a woman I was once close to became physically violent with me.  She was angry and tried to grab my iPhone right out of my hand.  This happened after months of her initiating and escalating one needless conflict after another.  After she became violent, I agreed to see her one more time, in public and for just a few minutes, to tell her in person that our relationship was over and I would never see her again.

How long should you tolerate a toxic person in your life?

When I was in law school I introduced my friend Marsha to Ken, and soon they were married.  Their marriage was short.  Years later Marsha told me that she walked out the first time Ken hit her.  When she showed up at her parents’ home her mother asked, “Are you ever going back to him?”

“No,” Marsha said.

“Good,” her mother said.  “If you were going back I wouldn’t take you in.”

But not everyone learns as quickly as Marsha. Some of us need years to end a relationship with a toxic person.

In my business career I’ve known two men whom I can best describe as charming con artists.  Of course, to be successful as a con man (or woman) you have to be charming.  One of them cheated me for a decade, the other for longer than that.  Even when one of my sons showed me proof that one of them was dishonest with me, I continued to have a business relationship with him.  Silly me.

But it is never too late to make a change for the better.

Today I have no contact with either man, and my life is much improved.

I know that you and I might be loyal to a fault (and con men are so charming).

I realize that it may be difficult to disengage from a toxic family relationship.

I understand that if you need the job you may elect to tolerate a boss who screams at you regularly or always criticizes your work.

My experience, however, is that toxic people never change their pattern of infecting the lives of others and you are never going to change them.  But you do have the power to change your own life.

That is why my number one suggestion for leading a happy and productive life is to identify and detach from toxic people.  Right now.  It doesn’t get any better.  It only gets worse.

And you might keep in mind my adage:  You are smudged by the company you keep.

Alan

Are you in a hurry? I always am. My brain has no “on/off” switch, so it’s either operating at full speed or I’m asleep.  This is probably because I have an obsession about not wasting anything – time, resources, or money.  It seems to me that any time I’m not thinking I’m wasting time.

During World War II, when I was only five years old, my mother complained about gasoline rationing as she was driving us somewhere.

“Do they give you enough gas to waste?” I asked.

“What do you mean, Alan?”

“Well, when you stop at stoplights, the engine keeps running and uses gas.”

My mom laughed.  “Yes, we have enough gas to keep running the car at stoplights.”  (Today my wife’s car engine automatically turns off at stoplights, so I must have been ahead of my time.)

At night my father used to heat the house to 55 degrees.  “No sense wasting money on heat when we’re sleeping,” he said.  (For those of you who grew up in Minneapolis or Toronto, you should know that I was a boy in Southern California.)

To help me waste as little time as possible, I’ve established a few rules I live by:

1. Moving from one place to another wastes time. Accordingly, I do it as infrequently as possible and don’t really enjoy a journey in a car or an airplane – unless I’m reading a book or doing something else to justify (to myself) the use of the time.
2. Do it once. That saves time.  Of course, I often have to force myself to slow down and do it right.  Or – horrors of horrors – I have to do it again.  I have an ongoing internal battle about taking enough time to do a proper job, or just being quick.
3. If possible, do it at home. When I watch a sporting event on TV in my bedroom or family room I don’t have to travel to Denver or downtown Los Angeles.  The moment an event is over I can eat dinner or go to bed.  I don’t have to find my car, navigate the parking lot, and then drive or fly back home.  I used to fantasize about living my entire life inside my own house.  Be very careful what you wish for!

Am I suggesting any change of thought or behavior for you? Maybe.  If you’re not satisfied with the way you are living part of your life, you might consider a change.  But, please, hurry up about it.

Alan

When I was a kid I took my dad’s bicycle apart – and never figured out how to put it back together.  Today, seventy years later, the wheels, handle bar, and seat probably remain exactly where I hid them – under the house I grew up in.

Recently, I shared this story with my friend Ron. That’s funny,” he said.  “I did exactly the same thing. The third time it only took me twenty minutes to put the bicycle back together again.”  Did I mention that Ron is an engineer? A few years ago, he replaced the foundation of his house all by himself.

For good reasons, I did not become an engineer. I became a tax attorney and specialized in tax-advantaged investments.

Isn’t adding value the story of our lives?  A pile of bicycle parts has little value.  But an assembled bicycle has great value. That’s what our jobs should be about – finding the best way we can to add value.  That’s why dinner at a restaurant costs more than the same ingredients at home. We’re paying for the expertise and added value the chef brings to the table (pun intended).

In a personal relationship we also add value. At home I shop for the groceries (today I often use Instacart), and Daveen washes the dishes.  I like grocery shopping, but I hate cleaning up.  When I was a kid I found that if I “accidentally” dropped and broke enough dishes my parents stopped asking me to wash them.  Daveen and I both think we have a good deal.

This intersection of attitude and aptitude is where each of us can add the most value.  In an ideal world we would each figure out what we enjoy doing, and what we’re good at.  Hopefully, those are the same.

At the end of our conversation I made a deal with Ron.  I’ll help him with his income tax return, but he won’t ask me to help him replace the foundation under his next house.

Alan