As I began driving to work this morning I had a random thought.  “This is going to be a bad day.”

Whoops!

How did that saboteur enter my brain?  When I walk into my office would I ever say to a coworker, “Good morning!  This is going to be a bad day”?

Of course not.  I seem to only send that kind of negative message to myself.

It has been said, “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree.”  Should I allow the twig of my thoughts to grow into the tree of a really bad day?

I assume that you are thinking, “No.  Of course not.  Have positive thoughts, Alan, so that you‘ll have a great day.”

And you’re right.  I agree with you.  So as I drove to work I thought of everything I was looking forward to throughout my day.  Frankly, at the top of my list was lunch.

At my desk, partly to avoid actual work, I thought about another statement that almost all of us use often, and this phrase is one of my pet peeves.

“You made me feel . . .”

Really?  You “made me” feel good?  You “made me” feel awful?  You “made me” feel like a million dollars?

If I have to, I’ll choose number three.  But my point is that whatever you do is entirely within your control, not mine.  But how I respond is entirely within my control, not yours.  So you cannot “make me” feel anything.  “Invite?” Perhaps.  “Make?”  No.

From time to time in my business career I’ve been involved in litigation, which is always a waste of time and money.  In many cases the goal of the other side is to “make me” feel miserable.  They haven’t succeeded yet.  I remind myself that I enjoy the thrill of being deposed (as a witness, not as a king).  I believe that a trial is terrific theater, with a real audience and real results.  I appreciate the skill of the better attorney (who I always hope is mine).

When my alma mater USC plays football against Notre Dame, occasionally Notre Dame gets lucky and wins, just to upset me (as they did last Saturday).  But I always remember that I choose to be upset.  I also choose to be delighted when USC wins.  I also remind myself that no one is forcing me to either watch the game or care about the outcome.

I recently received the first really negative comment on this blog.  The comment was anonymous, and began:

“I read your blog often and find it to be awful.”  The four following paragraphs elaborated on that theme.

I admit that my immediate reaction was ninety-five percent rage, five percent shame.  But my second reaction was to wonder, if my blog was so awful to Mr. or Ms. Anonymous, why did he or she keep reading it week after week?  Hmmm.  No doubt an internet troll trying to “make me” feel anger or shame.  Instead, I felt pleased.

Well, Troll, if you are still reading my blog, I’d be happy to hear from you again.  I hope you don’t “feel” frustrated because you didn’t “make me” feel angry or ashamed.  After reading your negative comment, I felt delighted that you and several thousand others are regular readers.

Of course, now that I’ve shared my secret with you, you might not bother to write to me again.  I’m okay with that too.

Today has started well.  It’s going to be a great day.

Alan

On Saturday evening Sprite and I attended my son Craig’s fiftieth birthday party.  My father, a robust 103 years old, joined us. I was reminded of my Dad’s own fiftieth birthday party. It was a surprise (which he hated).

I also remembered Craig’s birthday when he was thirty-five, and the poem I wrote at the time.

The Professor and I visit in his home.  We share memories,
coffee, the dreams we dream.  I buy and sell real estate in California.
He researches and teaches at Duke University in North Carolina.

I lean forward to pay attention to what he has to say.
He asks me, “Are you happy?  Do you have regrets?”
At lunch we explore tenure, morality, the Internet;
we talk of women, money, solitude, love, and women.

It’s his birthday.  I buy pizza.  We watch football on TV.
His alma mater upsets mine.  He laughs as loud
as I did last year.  Always attentive, he assures me,
“I’m more like you than you know.”

The next morning we wake at eight,
shower, he drives me to the airport.
We hug each other at the gate.
“Bye, Craig.  Thanks,” I say.
He says, “Bye.  I love you, Dad.”

It’s easy to forget that every day is a celebration.  No birthday, anniversary, or other peg is needed, on which to hang a treasured memory.

Each new day is warmed by a golden, gift-wrapped sun.

Each morning and afternoon we open the day’s hours, to embrace gifts both familiar and unexpected.

Each evening our celebration is completed by an orange ribbon of sunset.

Happy birthday, everyone.  Kindred spirits all, today is a day to celebrate.

I love you.

Alan

Good relationships are precious beyond the scent of night blooming jasmine, and unless you pay close attention, they are as equally fleeting.  Everyone benefits from forming, maintaining, and deepening those precious relationships that are worth sustaining for a lifetime. That takes training and practice and often the help of outside advice.

Carole, a colleague, taught me an invaluable lesson this morning when she came into my office.

“Alan, I have a problem.”

“Okay.  Have a seat.  What is it?”

“My old boss was always saying nice things to me, like “Good work,” or “I value your contribution to the office.”  That felt good and I was encouraged.  I went out of my way to help everyone, which is something I like to do anyway.

“Sounds good.  I work for appreciation myself, probably more than anything else.”

“Well, Alan, my new boss is more demanding, and that’s fine, but in three months she has never given me a single word of encouragement or appreciation, though she has shared many words of criticism.  That’s why I’m circulating my resume.”

Carole’s statement hit home with me for several reasons.

First, I was reminded of a line from a popular song, “you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone,” because I know that this is something I am guilty of. While I respond positively to words of appreciation from others, I often fail to express my own appreciation back. I sometimes forget that everyone likes to be appreciated and yet this is an idea that we must take seriously. Or, as the song goes, you might find out too late that you should have appreciated someone more.

Second, in the words of my friend Lou, a rare bookseller, “Once I make the sale I stop talking.” We’ve all had an argument with a spouse or friend, and when they responded positively, (maybe even went so far as to agree to change their behavior), we still pushed our victory over the cliff with one final: “and while we’re at it, there’s another thing I want you to change.”

Third, sometimes we don’t take turns as we should.  I have a rule for myself that if a friend, colleague, or spouse tells me they are unhappy with me in some way then – today it is their turn.  They can criticize me for as long as they like. They can talk about my shortcomings, and ask me to change. My turn to tell them that they are even worse than I am, or to exchange my promise to change for their promise to do something for me, will come tomorrow. By analogy – if I am standing in a line and you have asked to cut in front, it is not my turn to cut in front of you a few minutes later. I have to do it another day.

If you want to win the reward of a long and fulfilling relationship, whether in the work place, at school, or in your marriage, then you have to encourage the other as much as you can, and allow your colleague, friend, or spouse to win their share of disputes.  I aim to have them win sixty percent or more.

And when victory is yours – either because they have agreed with you and have promised to change, or because you agreed with them and have promised to change or have apologized – then for the sake of your future together, just STOP.  Say “Thank you.  I appreciate that you were candid with me,” or “I appreciate you bringing this to my attention.”

For the sake of the future of your great relationship, stop when you are ahead, and suppress any impulse to “pile on.” Don’t snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Alan