Suppose you knew that you had one year to live.

I’m not going to ask what you would do with your remaining year.  I’m going to share with you what I wouldn’t do with mine.

I wouldn’t buy a new car.  I love my red Tesla. It accelerates so quickly that I don’t ever push the pedal to the floor because I’m afraid of what might happen.

I wouldn’t start any new relationships.  I’d spend my time deepening the friendships I already have.

I wouldn’t be silent about political issues.  Expressing my strongly held beliefs might not change a thing, but I’d rather go out as a rabble rouser.

I wouldn’t spend time with people who bore me (and I wouldn’t be indirect about it).

I wouldn’t spend so much time at the office.

I wouldn’t pay attention to the news.  I would read books instead.  I would watch shows on TV that entertained me, rather than news shows on CNN, Fox News, or MSNBC that scare me.

I wouldn’t set an alarm to wake up in the morning, ever.  I would wake up whenever I wanted to.

I wouldn’t be afraid of rejection.  What the heck, it would only last for less than a year.

I wouldn’t care so much about the size of my bank account (not that I would be irresponsible).  Well, maybe a little.

I wouldn’t seek approval.  I would let it all hang out.

I wouldn’t buy any new clothes.  The ones I have are just fine.

I wouldn’t be so “polite” in my relationships.  I would get to the essence of what matters to me.

I wouldn’t tell anyone except my wife when I was going to die until the very last month.  It would be interesting for me to see how people not in on “the secret” treated the new me.

I wouldn’t start any new projects unless I knew I was going to be able to finish them.  My computer already stores too many half-written ideas.

I wouldn’t beg or bargain for more time. I wouldn’t bemoan my single year.  My time here always was limited.  The only difference – now I would know the expiration date.

I wouldn’t spend much time on the superficial.  I would spend more time on introspection.

I wouldn’t be as much of a couch potato.

I wouldn’t hang out with adults so much.  Maybe I’d help out by teaching fourth grade.

I wouldn’t read any weather forecasts.  I would just enjoy whatever comes.

I wouldn’t stop writing my blog.  The weekly deadline imposes a structure in my life that I like.

I’m sure, if you thought about it, you also have a valuable “wouldn’t” list.  Of course, the final “wouldn’t” for each of us should be:

I wouldn’t wait for tomorrow to fully be the person I would like to be today.

Alan

“I had rather be right than president,” the well-known United States Senator Henry Clay of Kentucky declared in the U. S. Senate on February 7, 1839.

I don’t know if the voters of that time agreed that Senator Clay was right.  I do know that he was never president.

Being right, of course, is subjective.  I enjoyed the recent movie Wonder Woman, which scored highly on the review web site Rotten Tomatoes.  Is it a wonderful movie?  Many people would say “Yes”, and some would say, “No.”  Who is “right?”  Who is to make that determination?

When I look at reviews on Amazon for my three People Tools books there are favorable reviews, including many five star ratings.  But there are also a few ones and twos.  Who is “right”?

My point is that being “right” is subjective.  Being president is objective.

When you disagree with your spouse, parent, children, friend, or boss, which of you is “right?”  I don’t know how to determine that.  If I agree with you then I might be careless and say, “You are right,” when I really should say, “I agree with you.”

In a relationship this is an extremely important distinction. It can make the difference between being married or not, having a job or not, maintaining a good relationship or not. Because if you insist all of the time that you are “right,” what you really are is obnoxious.

I think you’ll agree with me that no human being who ever lived was “right” all of the time.  No one is infallible, including you.

A business associate and I recently returned from a short business trip.  He thought my car was parked on the top level of the LAX parking structure.  I was certain I had parked my car one level below so it would be out of the sun.  We disagreed.  We both searched the lower level several times.  No car.  Had it been stolen?  While I sat on my suitcase, reflecting, my friend climbed the stairs to the top level.

“I found the car,” he texted.

He had, indeed, found my car.  But I must admit that as I sit in my office today typing this, I still believe I parked my car on the lower level.  It must have been moved by some mysterious force that wanted to expose my car to the sun, or just to make me “wrong.”

I know.  You think I’m irrational about this.  And I am.  But I hope you will also recognize that sometimes – not often, but sometimes – you are irrational too.  And there’s the rub.

Would you rather be “right” than married?  Would you rather be “right” than have a job?  Would you rather be “right” than keep a friend?

To maintain a good relationship it helps to say “You’re right” often and “Sorry, I was wrong,” even more often.  Your relationships will thrive.

If my memory is correct, many years ago the best-selling novel Love Story began with the line, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”

I disagree.  Love means that you have to say you’re sorry often.

Sorry, Henry.  I too disagree with you.  I don’t need to always be right.

Am I right?

Alan

I’m not talking about a Peach Crumble Pie, for which you can easily find an excellent Martha Stewart or Betty Crocker recipe online.  (I like mine warm, with a dollop of vanilla ice cream.)

I am talking about a distressing pattern that any one of us can easily fall into.

The Grumble is complaining.

The Mumble is expressing your complaint indirectly.

The Crumble is the relationship which may be disintegrating.

I’m most aware of The Grumble Mumble Crumble when I hear someone speaking to a family member with overt irritation in his or her voice.

“Have you taken out the trash yet?”

I realize that by reading this question on paper you can’t tell the tone of voice, and that is exactly my point.  Tone of voice.  The attitude of the speaker could be cheerful, perhaps offering a helpful reminder.  Or the speaker may want to add today’s junk mail to the trash that will be picked up tomorrow.  Or the speaker might be sarcastic (“Why do I have to remind you to take out the trash.  Again?”), or just plain irritated (“You constantly disappoint me by not carrying out your responsibilities in our relationship and I’m tired of reminding you.”)

No relationship is going to be la-tee-dah happy all of the time. That’s perfectly normal.  Complaints happen.  But grumbling doesn’t help. Why not ask for what you need in a pleasant way?  If clarification is needed a simple and direct statement will usually suffice.  “I want to get rid of this junk mail.  Should I take it out to the trash, or can I put it in the waste basket?”

No Grumble.  No Mumble.  And no Crumble.

I was with a couple at a nice resort recently, and heard one of them say to the other, “Have you made our dinner reservation yet?”

The tone was nasty.  I cringed, and suddenly lost interest in having dinner with them.  It’s difficult to be a bystander when a couple is indirectly expressing their irritation to each other.

The other member of the couple said, “Why don’t you make the reservation yourself?  You know how to use a phone.”

Ouch.

This Grumble Mumble here was obvious.  It often is, when someone else is doing the talking.

But I invite you to listen carefully to yourself when you talk to a family member.  Are you unconsciously expressing a bit of unresolved frustration you’ve been carrying around from earlier in the day or earlier in your life?  Do your words come out in a way that you don’t intend?

I know it is tempting for you to think, “Yeah.  My partner does that all of the time.”

Maybe they do.  But maybe – and of course this is a long shot – you sometimes sound irritated too.

Please don’t show this blog to your partner and say, “See!  Alan is right!  You do this to me all of the time.”

Instead, please look up one of those recipes and prepare a delicious Crumble for dessert tonight.  Just be certain to leave out the Grumble and the Mumble.

Thanks.

Smiley face.

Alan