Many people never say “I’m sorry.”  I’m sorry for them because they are going to offend people in the same way the next time around. I’m sorry for those other people because they’re going to be offended again.  This hurts relationships.

When my wife, Daveen, and I arrived home late Saturday evening after a full day – a play in the afternoon, dinner with friends, then a musical in the evening – she said, “You seem distant.  Does that have anything to do with me?”

“Yes, it does.”

“What?”

“At dinner when I said, ‘You didn’t finish your salad,’ you said you did.  I was just making conversation and you disputed what I said, without any particular reason.  You do this often, and when you do I don’t want to talk to you.”

There are five kinds of, “I’m sorry.”  I’ll tell you which she used at the end of this blog. I list these in rising order of sincerity.  The most effective “sorry” is number five.

1. “I’m sorry you chose to respond so badly to what I did (or said).”  This is not really an “I’m sorry” at all.  It says that you think I was the one at fault because I responded badly.
2. “I’m sorry you’re upset.”  This is a little better.  It acknowledges that you have some regret.  But it might also mean that you’re unhappy with me because I’m upset with you.  This one sounds defensive to me.
3. “I’m sorry I said (or did) that.”  Now we’re starting to cook.  You have given an apology about your own words or action.  You’re not quite acknowledging your role in my unpleasant experience, but it’s a start.
4. “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”  We’re almost there. You are acknowledging a cause and effect situation.  You agree that you did something and that I reacted with hurt feelings.  I can begin to heal.  But I won’t go all the way toward reconnecting because your “sorry” is limited.
5. “I’m sorry.”  Eureka!  We have found it!  Simple, clear, and direct.  You are telling me that you feel badly that I feel badly.  My hardness toward you melts.  I say, “Thank you,” we reconnect, we go on.  A bonus which you might want to substitute could be, “I’m very sorry.”  Or, “I’m sorry.  I’ll never do that again.”  This last one feels really good.

The way you say “I’m sorry” is extremely important.  If you want to establish or maintain trust and connection you need to quickly repair a relationship rupture.  When I’m offended our connection is either stretched or severed, but if you sincerely and quickly apologize I feel my heart loosen and I can more easily forgive you and forget the insult I felt.

Which one did Daveen use this evening?  The best one.  She said, “I’m sorry. Thank you for telling me.”  Of course, had she used one of the others I wouldn’t have used that example in this blog, because if I did I probably would have hurt her feelings and – horror of horrors – I would have had to say “I’m sorry” myself.

I hope I would have used the best “I’m sorry,” but sometimes . . . well, sometimes I don’t believe I did anything wrong and I use number one, or mutter under my breath, “but you don’t deserve an apology.”  That’s not really a good idea.

Recrimination and defensiveness are easy—and destructive.  It takes thought, attention, and caring to preserve trust and remain connected with a sincere, immediate, and simple, “I’m sorry.”

Alan