People ToolsA Blog By Alan C. Fox
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Alan C. FoxAuthor. Entrepreneur. Game-changer.
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Don’t Slam Your Computer Around

by Alan C. Fox 1 Comment

Give-Me-More-Attention-PeopleToolsWhen they work properly, electronics are great.  I love to sit at my desk, read incoming texts and emails, then file my reply in a folder. I love to stay in touch with friends and family on my iPhone.  I also like to check sports scores, the weather, and hear that friendly voice on Google Maps tell me where to go.

But I’m a fair weather friend to my electronics. When my iPhone drops a call, or when my laptop loses a document, I feel like stomping on them and demanding a full refund.  On a recent business visit to Kansas City my Google Maps application wasn’t working. I didn’t have a printed map (does anyone use those anymore?), and so I got thoroughly lost.

When my electronic gadgets don’t work the only thing I can do is ask the nearest teenager for help.  Unfortunately, In Kansas City I was with my dad who knows even less about electronics than I do.

But this blog is not really about iPhones and laptops.  It’s about human relationships.  A better title might be “Don’t Slam Your Friends Around.”  In this age of social media and constant connectivity, we often pay closer attention to our gadgets than to our friends.

I follow one basic rule:  I pay the most attention to those people who are important to me, and I don’t spend emotional energy on things, even expensive things, like electronics or cars.  Things can be repaired or replaced.  People cannot.

Exactly how do I make sure the people who matter most to me get the special attention they deserve?

  1. I listen to them. Not with an iPhone clamped to one ear.  When you are talking to me you deserve my full attention.
  2. I contact them regularly. I like to see my business associates almost every working day.  I spend time with my family and friends as often as is comfortable for both of us.
  3. I care about whatever is important to them. If your sister is sick, I care. If you’re afraid of losing your job, I care.  If you have a life plan which excites you, I’m on board and want to help you reach your goal.

Of course, it’s important not to slam yourself around either.  When you care about yourself you can be gentle and encouraging, pat yourself on the back, and let the criticism come, if it must come at all, from somewhere else.

So maybe I should change the title of this blog after all.  Slam your computer around if you like.  But, treat the people who matter to you with as much care and attention as you can. And make sure to include yourself. As they say, keep your friends close and yourself even closer.

Alan

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The Man Who Disappeared

by Alan C. Fox 2 Comments

Man-Dissapeared-PeopleTools This morning I asked a close friend of mine how he enjoyed his weekend.

“Educational,” he said.

Alarm bells rang in my head.

“Okay, Larry.  What went wrong?”

“My wife and I had dinner Saturday night with Peter and his wife.  We’ve known them for a long time.  Peter is a very successful businessman.  When the waiter gave us the check, Peter suggested we split the cost.  This was despite the fact that he and his wife ordered more expensive meals, and also three glasses each of a very expensive wine.  My wife and I split one dinner, and one glass of house wine between us.”

“I’ve been in that situation many times myself,” I said. “So what did you do?”

“I was unhappy, of course.  It was clearly unfair.  But I didn’t argue because I didn’t want to make a scene. As a result, I paid a lot more than I should have, and woke up in the middle of the night kicking myself.”

I don’t blame Larry one bit.  To keep the peace, I’ve swallowed many costs in my own life.  In effect I’ve volunteered to let the takers do exactly what takers like to do –take advantage of me.

Larry wanted to avoid a conflict and, in effect, disappeared. I have done the same thing in similar situations.

I was particularly interested in Larry’s experience because last year I began to write a novel entitled, The Man Who Disappeared.  My novel features the story of a man who swallows more and more abuse from others, to the point where ultimately there is very little left for him to meet his own emotional or financial needs.

Now, I have a favor to ask.  I’d like you to share with me your own stories, or stories of other people you know who have, in effect, “disappeared.”  By “disappeared” I mean they didn’t assert themselves when they should have.  From what I’ve read in the press, Muhammed Ali was asked many times to pay someone’s rent or give them a loan, and he often did. There is no question that Muhammed Ali was generous.  There may be a question of whether he was diminished, or in part disappeared, because he allowed himself to be taken advantage of.

What is the balance?  That’s what I’m trying to figure out by writing The Man Who Disappeared, and I’d like to know your experiences on this subject.

You can contact me by email at Alan@peopletoolsbook.com

Please write.  Get it off your chest.  Don’t disappear on me.  We’re all in this life together.

Thanks.

Alan

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The Gift of Clarity, Consideration, Consistency and Completeness

by Alan C. Fox 3 Comments

Couple holding hands

As we head into the summer season of weddings, I have four wishes for all ye who enter there.  No, it’s not to abandon hope, the subject of my blog last week, but to have hope tempered by reality.  Place on her finger a diamond with the proper Cut, Color, Clarity, and Carat weight, and then bestow upon each other, and receive from each other, the singular wedding gifts of Clarity, Consideration, Consistency, and Completeness.

First, I wish you Clarity.  I know you are planning to marry a perfect person who will eagerly satisfy your every whim, even before you know you have it.  He will bring you flowers every morning of your life.  She will center her life around every one of your needs for comfort and support.  You both will feel the same overflowing generosity of spirit that has seized your heart and stalked your mind for so many months or years now.  The best is yet come, nurtured this wedding day out of your mutual pledge, your kiss, and your mingled tears.  Yet after the pledge, the kiss, the tears, the free flowing champagne, I wish you the clarity of eye, ear, and heart to know your beloved’s pain as well as his pleasure, her hard edges as well as her soft curves, to embrace your own fears and hesitations which are always present but often hidden.

Second, I wish you Consideration.  I have lived enough days to know that each is fresh, holding infinite promise, and unlimited possibilities. Yet each day is different from any other.  What can be, image2and I hope for you is unchanging, is the consideration you have for each other. I wish for you a certainty that, whatever comes, whether hurt or happiness, help or hunger, you will retain a deep understanding and appreciation for the gift you have been given; the opportunity to share life’s most intimate journey.

Several days ago I enjoyed dinner with a couple who had been married for many years.

“Every day of our marriage,” she said, “the moment he wakes up, he whispers into my ear, ‘I love you.’”  She smiled at him.

“Every day of our marriage,” he said, “from the moment I wake up to the moment we cuddle to sleep at night she has gentled me with her smile.”  They smiled at one another, and I felt almost embarrassed to be in the presence of such profound kindness.

Next I wish you consistency, the safety of knowing you can count on someone being there for you day in and day out.

Finally, I wish you completeness.  Not the completeness of the other filling in your holes, but the completeness of sharing all of who you are and accepting all of who she is, whether her vanity or valor, your fulfillment or your fear, his weakness or his strength.  It makes no difference what is shared, only that it is. This is the gift, the diamond, I wish for you.

Alan

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