I occasionally watch poker on TV.  Some players are professional, some are amateur, but they all share the same challenge – to play the hand they’re dealt.  If their first two cards are aces, they play two aces.  If their first two cards are a two and a three, they start with a weak hand.  Regardless, no one can ask for a different hand.

That’s exactly what we face every day.  We don’t control what happens to us (the hand).  We do control our reaction to it (how we play).

This morning I read an article in The Atlantic entitled, “What It Takes to be a Trial Lawyer If You’re Not a Man.”  I emailed the article to several excellent female trial attorneys.  J.F. responded, “It helps to remember it cuts both ways – sometimes your perceived weaknesses can be strengths, if you figure out how to play your cards well & are willing to be a bit lucky.”

That’s why J.F. is a successful trial attorney.  She recognizes both her weaknesses and her strengths. She remembers her ultimate goal is to serve the best interest of her client.  She plays the hand she is dealt, and is willing to take a chance.

Years ago I asked a woman for a date.

“Sorry, Alan, I only date guys who are blond, blue eyes, and six foot three.”

“Thanks for telling me,” I said.  “I might be able to do something about blond hair and blue eyes, but I can’t do much about my being five foot eight.”

I played the hand I was dealt and never saw her again.  Fortunately, other women like men who are my height.

Sometimes we can influence the hand.

An outstanding New York trial attorney I hired told me that his firm was asked to take on more than five hundred new cases a year but they accepted only fifty.

“A case has to meet three criteria.  First, it has to be within our area of expertise.  Second, the client has to have a reasonably good case.  And finally, the client has to be able to pay our fees.”

The same attorney also said, “Our job is not to win for you at trial.  Our job is to represent you so well that the other side will settle on a reasonable basis.”  A year and a half later that is exactly what happened.

Can you stack the deck in your favor?  Just a bit. I heard a comedian in Scotland joke, “I’m on a seafood diet.  I see food, I eat it.”

Me too.

I never buy cookies at a grocery store, which is why I never eat cookies at home.  I don’t see them.  Of course, for a party I’ll buy desert.  But not cookies.  It’s too easy for me to eat just one.  Or two.  Or, well, three.  It’s not so easy for me to sneak a slice from a chocolate cake, which is what I usually buy.  And when my guests leave I insist they take all leftover cake with them.  I know what happens if they don’t.

Once I was playing poker with a group including my father.  He had the best poker hand you can get – a royal flush.  He didn’t bet much because he didn’t want to scare off the rest of us.

Of course, Dad won.  It does help if you hold the right cards but, regardless, you have to play the hand you’re dealt against the hand that was dealt to someone else.

Alan

I’ve been in a hurry most of my life.

I was in a hurry to grow up (at age 4), get married (at 21), and start a family (at 23).  As an accountant I prided myself on preparing an income tax return in four hours when the person who prepared it the year before took ten.  I want to finish writing this blog as quickly as I can so I can start on my next project.  I even justify vacations with the thought that I’ll be much more productive when I return.

Rereading the above paragraph I feel tired already.

But last Thursday I tried something different.  For one entire day, I slowed down.

I had an appointment at 8:00 am with my dental hygienist.  Her office is a sixteen-minute drive from my home.  I usually allow fourteen minutes because I don’t want be early and then have to wait. If traffic is light, and if every traffic light cooperates, I conceivably can complete the drive in fourteen minutes.  It actually happened once.

But last Thursday I left my home at 7:32 am, allowing myself twenty-eight minutes.  I arrived twelve minutes early.  That felt unusual, so I tried to relax in my car, with partial success.  Then I walked slowly from the parking garage to the elevator, enjoying the breeze, the flowers, and my relaxed pace.  I arrived at the dental office five minutes ahead of schedule and looked in a mirror to be sure this stranger was actually me.

I felt totally at peace throughout my visit.  This was a new experience.  Back in my car I figured I had just enough time to rush to my office for a few minutes before heading downtown for an appointment at my bank.  Then I remembered I had invited a friend for dinner and Trader Joe’s was nearby, so I drove to Trader Joe’s instead.

I bought a bouquet of flowers for the evening, as well as a few of my guest’s favorite foods.  Then I stopped at home to put the flowers in a vase before heading downtown.

After the bank meeting I drove to Westwood for lunch with my younger son.  I remained relaxed throughout my entire day, which was a significant change from my normal “rush” mode.

What a nice day last Thursday turned out to be – my very first day of slowing down.

Did I accomplish as much as I might have?  That’s not the right question.

Did I enjoy my day more than I otherwise might have?  Absolutely.

For one entire day I experienced the joy of slowing down, and I recommend it to you.  And you don’t have to slow down all at once.  You can start now, or later, and take your time doing it.  In other words, you don’t have to hurry.

I think I’ll go back to bed now for a few minutes.  Then I’ll be ready for my calm, seven-minute drive to work.

Alan

ADDICTION is defined as the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, such as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.

MONEY, is defined as any circulating medium of exchange, including coins, paper money, and demand deposits.

Last month I flew to Monterey, California for a seminar held at a beautiful conference center on the Pacific Ocean.  Unfortunately, both my wallet and my cash remained in the pocket of my jacket in Los Angeles.  So there I was at the front desk of Asilomar, checking in for the weekend, with no money and no credit card.

Fortunately, my daughter Jill was with me.  She kindly loaned me one of her credit cards.

Even though I had previously paid in full for the conference, I felt limited.  I used Jill’s card to register, but I did not feel comfortable charging anything to my room. I felt psychologically naked (though perhaps no one else noticed).  That feeling was exacerbated on Sunday when I used an App on my iPhone to arrange for a ride back to the airport.  The credit card I had on file for Lyft was denied.  A few months earlier that card had been replaced after a fraudulent charge.

I reluctantly entered Jill’s credit card number into my Lyft account, and my driver soon appeared.

There I was, three hundred miles from home, with no cash or my own credit cards.  I felt unsettled, angry, and scared.

Back in Los Angles when I found my wallet exactly where I had left it I felt reassured, reenergized, and relieved.

This was a minor experience but it left a major impact.  I began to think about the role of money in our lives and, frankly, I conclude that most of us, including me, are addicted to money because “…its cessation causes severe trauma.”

Let’s refocus.  Years ago I had a “smiley face” printed on each check for my personal bank account.  Several people asked me, “Why the smiley face?  After all, you’re spending money.”

My answer was, “Because I’d rather have whatever I’m buying than the money.  So spending money is a happy experience for me.”

How easy it is to forget that money has very little value in and of itself.  You might be able to fry an egg on a campfire fueled by dollar bills, but if you eat a dollar bill you won’t receive much nutrition.  And one day all of your money – every cent of it – will belong to someone else.  This is not a guess.  It’s a certainty.

So let’s take a deep breath, use the beautiful alchemy of transforming money into something we will enjoy a lot more, and remember that numbers on a bank statement are a means to an end, and certainly not and end in itself.

Alan