People ToolsA Blog By Alan C. Fox
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Alan C. FoxAuthor. Entrepreneur. Game-changer.
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The Joy of Discovery

by Alan C. Fox 1 Comment

discover-joy-blog-peopletoolsI am a creature of many habits.

My favorite part of any vacation is returning home to sleep in my own bed.  In forty-nine years I have only relocated my office twice. I have worked with Cathy, my general manager, and Ed, my Chief Financial Officer, for over thirty years. I have lived in the same house for four decades.

You might think, based on the above, that I am opposed to change. That isn’t the case. But every new habit replaces an old habit, and each begins with a discovery that my priorities have changed. I am not unique in this. We all have to make decisions every day based on our priorities.  The question we have to ask ourselves is: do we prefer to stick with our old patterns, or are we open to new experiences?

How we answer that question depends on how well we like what we have been doing, and whether or not we are willing, or even eager, to try to improve our lives with something different.

My friend Howard does not like to travel, and for many years he would take a two week vacation to Hawaii, staying in exactly the same room in the same hotel every time.  Once, when “his” room was unavailable, he simply stayed home.  His wife Marilyn . . . I should say his ex-wife Marilyn . . . now travels frequently, by herself, to many different destinations.

I am not saying that there is any “right” or “wrong” way to deal with change.  It’s simply a matter of taste or, to my way of thinking, your own personal priorities.

When I was young my mother overcooked vegetables, and her idea of salad dressing was either plain vinegar or lemon juice.  Yuck!  I was more than fifty years old before I would consider eating a salad as a main course. At a restaurant recently I enjoyed a side of vegetables that tasted better than the meat entrée.

A number of years ago I read an interview with older men and women in hospice care.  They were asked what they regretted most in their lives.  As you can guess, none of them wished they had spent more time at the office working. None of their regrets centered on what they had done, even if that ski trip had ended with an injury.  All of their regrets were about what they had not done, what they might have missed.

I like the safety of stability in my life.  That’s why I have always created a home base to which I can return.  I have seldom lived by myself.  I enjoy giving and receiving emotional support, and appreciate sharing my life with someone. I enjoy the pleasure of their company.

Shortly after I separated from my first wife I gave a presentation one evening to a group of potential investors. The presentation was quite successful, and yet I was desolate on my drive home because I knew there was no one there with whom I could share my excitement.

What are your priorities? Are they making you happy? Maybe you’d like to put more zest in your life, or connect with a friend you haven’t seen for years.  Maybe you’d like to send a gift to someone for no reason at all, or have someone else order for you at your favorite restaurant. Is there something you’ve been longing to do? If so, I encourage you to do it.  None of us will be here forever. So don’t let your old habits keep you from bringing the joy of discovery into your life today, tomorrow and every day.

Alan

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What to Do with a Pinch

by Alan C. Fox 3 Comments

image1I had enjoyed Dinner at the home of my wife’s parents, but this time as we were leaving something bizarre happened.   We were saying our goodbyes in the hallway when my mother-in-law, I’ll call her “M” for “Mean,” suddenly reached out and pinched me – hard — on my stomach.  I was too shocked to respond.

A few weeks later, after our next dinner at “M’s” house, she did the same thing, so I talked to my wife Susan about it on our way home.

“When we were leaving your mother pinched me.  Hard.  This is the second time she has done it. If it happens again, I’m going to confront her.  I don’t like to be pinched.”  A memory of being pinched on the cheek by my own mother’s friends when I was three or four years old flickered in my head.

Susan seemed surprised to hear about this and agreed I should say something.

The next dinner was at our house, a formal celebration of some sort, and I was ready.  Before “M” arrived I decided that if she engaged in her usual habit of saying something nasty at the dinner table under the cover of everyone else having to be “polite,” I would confront her directly.  She must have picked up on my vibe. She was pleasant throughout the entire meal for once.

But when it came time to leave, sure enough, M’s right hand darted toward my stomach.  I caught her wrist in mid-flight.

This time she was surprised. “Why did you do that?”

“Because the last two times I left your house you pinched me.  I don’t like being pinched.”

M flashed her mean little smirk.  “What’s the matter, Alan.” she said.  “Can’t take it?”

There are people who attack under the cover of your need to be “polite” in a social situation.  After all, are you going to yell at your aunt who asks inappropriate personal questions in front of everyone at family gatherings? Are you going to confront your boss if she goes on a political diatribe at a lunch even though she knows you disagree with her?  Will you make a scene when your best friend gets overly loud and rowdy at your Super Bowl party?  Probably not.

But it’s a matter of your priorities – to keep the peace, or to confront the behavior.  My personal rules are:

  1. The first time is a “freebie” (unless the behavior is outrageous). The first time M pinched me I was too surprised to react, other than by moving away quickly.
  2. The second time establishes a pattern. With M, however, I didn’t want to offend my wife so I let it pass.
  3. The third time I will not let it pass. If I do, I become a passive victim who won’t stand up for himself because I don’t want to be seen as a troublemaker.  But I’ll tell you – when M or anyone else becomes a consistent aggressor I will not let it pass.

What to do in a pinch?  Tell the pincher to stop.

Can I “take it”?  Yes.

Am I willing to “take it”?

No.  I’m nice, but no one should ever be willing to take unwarranted abuse.  That is one of my top priorities.

Alan

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To Do or Not to Do – Always the Question

by Alan C. Fox 3 Comments

direction-priorities-peopletoolsThis morning I met with Lonnie, who has been my personal trainer for more than fifteen years.  The most important part of our time together is the half hour or so during which we simply sit and talk.  He knows that I prefer to postpone the actual physical exercise.

“I have news,” he said.

“Yes?”  I thought – this can’t be very good.  At least for me.

“Carol and I have decided to move to North Carolina.  We made the decision based upon something you said years ago.”

“What did I say?”

“It was right after we first started.  You said that early in your business career you had some money coming in, and had to decide how to use it. Remember?”

I did.  I had three potential uses for the money and I wrote each one at the top of a column of paper (this was before spreadsheets).  I then listed the advantages and disadvantages of each alternative.  I don’t remember the specifics, but I do recall that the score was 28 to 13 to 8.

“Yes, I remember that exercise well.  I looked at my columns and realized that in my heart I wanted to do the third alternative.  The one which had the lowest rational score.”

‘And that‘s exactly what you did.  You went with your heart.  And so did Carol and I.  In North Carolina we can live a better life, and be closer to family.”

Partly because of my (good) advice, I was going to lose Lonnie as a personal trainer and, because of geography, as a personal friend who I have seen two or three times a week for fifteen years.  Even so, I was delighted for him and Carol.  They were excited about their choice, and I concluded years ago that my priority with my friends and family was to support their dreams and decisions, and to delight in their happiness rather than allow my personal feelings of loss to intrude.

All of us face choices in our lives.  Whether or not we think about it consciously, many times throughout each day we make decisions about what to do, and how to do it.  My decisions are governed by my sense of priorities which I have developed and refined over many years.

For example, survival is my top priority.  My health is a close second.  Money is somewhere down the list.

I know that if you are a vegan then you are going to make different food choices than I might.  So it would be a fool’s errand for me to tell you what to eat, just as it would be foolish of me to argue with Lonnie and tell him why his decision might not work.

When I consciously set my priorities and then live by them my life runs better in the long run.  And one of my strong priorities is the long run, which is why I intend this to be the first blog of many on how I set priorities in my life.

I hope that one of your conscious priorities will be to keep reading my blog every week.  I want the world to be a better place for all of us, and I intend to help by sharing my insights on how you can improve your life by setting clear priorities for yourself, and then learning how to live by them.  It’s fun and, over time, pretty easy.

Lonnie – I wish you and Carol the absolute best.

Love,

Alan

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