Each of us has hopes, dreams, and plans for the future. I’m extremely goal oriented, which means that I always have in mind a list of my goals and priorities.

For example, one of my top priorities is health. This is the sine qua non (“without this nothing”) of my life.

But how about those big life goals – relationships, family, money, work? What are the two or three biggest goals in your life? A happy relationship? Being the best in the world at a certain profession? Becoming a millionaire?

Most of us, if we think about these questions at all, begin with today and imagine an ideal future. What do we want our life to be like in ten, twenty, or thirty years?  What, if anything, do we want to accomplish.

When my children were young my wife and I were interviewing for a nanny. Our top candidate, Nancy, was an executive assistant for the CEO of a publically held company. I found it strange that she wanted to leave a high paying job to be a nanny for young children. I asked her, “What do you see yourself doing five years from now?”

She hesitated. “I really don’t know.”

After we offered her the job Nancy called me and said, “Thank you for your offer.  I’ve thought about your question, and I still don’t know what I want to be doing in five years.  But I do know that I don’t want to be a nanny.”

I was disappointed that she turned down the job, but I was also relieved because I knew that, after a few months, she would have left and we would have had to interview candidates again.

I suggest there is a more unusual and helpful way to look at the larger goals in your life. Instead of looking forward, plan your life backwards. Pretend you are seventy years old (or one hundred if you are already seventy), and write down a short list of what has given you the greatest satisfaction in your life.

Pay no attention to what really happened or didn’t happen. Write down, or think about, not the reality you know, but the fantasy of what your ideal life during the past ten, twenty, or thirty years looked like, just as you actually wish it would happen.

By doing this you should be able to create a list of what has pleased you most in your life. Accumulating ten million dollars? Raising happy children?  Enjoying a peaceful, quiet life? Being the best piano teacher in town? Helping hundreds of children learn to read?

When you allow yourself to look back at your life, rather than forward, your most important aspirations will become visible, just like the hues in the coloring book you filled in with crayons when you were young.

By doing this exercise, today and in the future, when you are actually seventy, or one hundred, you will have a better chance to set goals to help you turn your dream of today (as viewed from the imaginary perspective of a distant tomorrow) into a reality you will have actually lived.

When I am closer to the end of my life than to the beginning I want to look back with delight, rather than regret.  Planning my life backwards is an excellent tool I often use to make that happen.

Alan

When I was first married at age twenty-one I knew almost everything there was to know about marriage.  Today, a few marriages and more than fifty years later, I have come to realize that I don’t know as much now as I did then.

But I do know this:  Marriage is a team sport.  It might not “take two to Tango,” because you could dance with an imaginary partner.  But it does take two to enjoy a marriage, and both of you have to be real.  Here are some of the rules of the marriage game as I now know it.

1. Each partner has to work at making a marriage work. Solo is a no go.
2. It’s not automatic and you get better with practice. When I watched the World Ice Skating Championships recently I was struck by the amount of dedication and constant practice needed for every competitor to achieve that level. Two hours a day or two days a week won’t get you to the top in any sport.  Marriage is no exception.
3. Get coaching. Your friends, parents, or a good therapist can help you.  They’ve been there.  Do you think the best players in baseball or basketball are “naturals”? And even if they are, their game can be improved substantially by advice from an experienced expert.
4. Give before you take. Fifty years ago I was lazy.  Today when I see that my wife has left a sack of groceries next to her car in the garage I pick up the bag and carry it into the kitchen.  Fifty years ago I might have reminded her that she left the groceries in the garage and they were getting warm.
5. Be lavish with sincere compliments. This is like planting a garden.  The yield on your seeds will amaze you.
6. Say “I love you” every time you feel it.
7. Each partner has to believe that he or she is being treated fairly most of the time. Ultimatums kill relationships, even when you’re right.  I should say, especially when you’re right.
8. Share your hopes and fears. Especially your fears.  This will always bring you closer.
9. “In sickness and in health” is true. Take care of your partner.  This is a great bonding experience, just as taking care of your children is a great bonding experience.
10. Be honest, even when it is difficult. Especially when it is difficult. And treat your partner’s honesty with gratitude and respect.
11. As Abraham Lincoln said in his second inaugural address, “With malice toward none, with charity for all.” Charity toward your partner will get you everywhere. Malice is a dead end.

There you are – the Fox rules for a successful marriage, which will bring intimacy and joy to both of you every day of your life.

Love,

Alan

“I love to sniff roses.”

That‘s the thought-provoking statement I woke up to this morning.

When Sprite and I talk to each other there is often music behind the words, allusions that deepen the meaning.

“Say more,” I said.

“I love the fragrance of roses. I like to smell them as often as I can,” said Sprite.  “It’s part of living a full life every day.”

I kissed her, and then she continued.

“When my daughter was young I hugged and kissed her as much as I could.  I wanted to squeeze as much as possible into every day.  And I did.  I left my job to be with her. I wanted to fall asleep every night knowing that I did the most I possibly could to live a full life every day and that if I died or if she died I had given everything I could to her and to my day.”

Here’s a little background about Sprite.  For twenty-five years she was a journalist, either a reporter in the field or a local or network television anchor.  Virtually every day at work she dealt with stories about death.  Her first day on the job in a large Midwestern city she reported eight deaths.  Over her entire career there were tens of thousands, far more deaths than most of us are exposed to during a lifetime.  This experience helped Sprite to appreciate every day more than most of us and to understand that life can change in an instant.

We all tend to avoid thoughts we find disturbing.  I, for example, don’t like conflicts.  When I receive an email that might be a complaint I hesitate to even open it.  This is a big reason why I prefer to connect through texts or emails rather than on the telephone.  It is easier for me to avoid conflict.

Many people fear death and simply don’t want to think or talk about it.

I have good news, though it is easier to write about than to act on.  I’ve learned that when I deal with potential conflict immediately, when I answer that email or pick up the phone, the conflict I fear tends to disappear rather than magnify even though, as I said, this is easier for me to write about than to act on.

But when you know that you and your loved ones will someday die, rather than avoiding any thought of death you can choose to be more like Sprite, who expresses her joy in life, and her love, as much as she possibly can.

Back to this morning.

“And the same goes for you,” she said.  “I hug and kiss you as much as I can.  I don’t want to leave anything on the table.  Life is both precious and precarious, and I want to fall asleep tonight knowing I have been as close to you today as I possibly can be.”

I smiled.  What a lovely way to begin a day.  And a marriage.

Alan