Do you believe that anything on the following list scares you?

1. Standing on a high ledge.
2. Buying a house.
3. Balancing your checkbook.
4. Making an emotional commitment.
5. Speaking before a large group of people.

If you said yes to any of these you fall into a nearly universal trap. Most people believe that when they are scared of something, the scare comes from outside of themselves.  It is perfectly normal to say, “[Whatever it is] scares me.”  If everyone talks about scare that way, then it must be true.

Right?

Wrong.

If the scare comes from outside of you, from a high ledge for example, then everyone in the world would be scared of a high ledge.  If the scare comes from public speaking, then why isn’t everyone afraid of it?  And, sadly, if you believe that scare comes from making an emotional commitment, then you’re doomed.  If you continue to believe that your fear originates from outside yourself you can no more change that fear than you can change the orbit of the moon.

I’m afraid to ride in a hot air balloon. But when I say “riding in a hot air balloon scares me” I automatically think of myself as helpless.  It is more accurate, and I think more helpful, for me to say, “When I think of riding in a hot air balloon I scare myself.”  I have to remember that my fear is not universal.  It doesn’t come from “out there.”  The scare comes from inside me.  Many people ride in hot air balloons and feel no fear at all.

My fear comes from my imagining that I might fall. The scare is not in the hot air balloon.  The scare originates from and remains within me.

If I asked a behavioral therapist to help me overcome my fear, she would ask me to imagine myself riding in a hot air balloon high in the sky, enjoying the breeze and the beauty of the morning sunrise. She would help me change my negative association into a positive image.

I used to be terrified speaking to large groups of people.  But to succeed in my profession I was expected to speak in public.  Though I continued to scare myself for about ten years, my actual experiences were positive.  I was never booed.  I never lost a friend in the audience.  In fact, I began to receive compliments on my speeches (which, at first, I didn’t believe).  Finally I was able to take the label of “fear” which I had stuck into my own head, and replace it with the label of “excitement.”  After all, when I’m excited my body feels pretty much the same as it does when I scare myself.

But maybe you would rather scare yourself. It’s comfortable to not take responsibility.  Maybe by now you simply accept your fears as an inevitable part of you.  You might even believe that if you were no longer afraid to balance your checkbook, or afraid to make an emotional commitment, you would lose an important and familiar part of yourself.

But remember that your fear always comes from inside of you, and you don’t have to hang onto it.  You can send yourself a new message, which starts with, “I scare myself when . . . “

In a few weeks I’ll be in Cappadocia, Turkey.  I’m planning to ride in a hot air balloon to view the unusual rock formations.  Will I scare myself?

I’ll let you know.

Alan

My mother was a very smart woman. She figured it out, whether it was a recipe that didn’t work the first time or how to raise her two sons.

One of the many things Mom figured out was how to buy shoes.

“If a pair of shoes isn’t comfortable, don’t buy them.  They’re going to fit exactly the same way tomorrow morning as they do right now.”

I wanted to buy many of the shoes I tried on.  Many looked great, but there was always Mom with her, “If the shoe doesn’t fit . . . “

My friend Roger taught me a lot about relationships (about what to avoid, that is).  Time after time, when we were in our twenties and thirties, he said to me, “I’ve just started dating this new woman, but it’s not going to last for more than a few weeks because (fill in the blank).”  Then a few months later he was living with the woman.  A few years after that he’d say, “We broke up because (fill in the same blank).

Where the relationship pinched his toes at the beginning, it pinched even more the next morning, the next week, and the next year.

Unlike Roger, I’ve always believed that a new relationship has to begin really well to have a real chance to succeed.  If a woman doesn’t like my sense of humor on the first date, her taste is not likely to change.  If her nervous giggle irritates me immediately, why should I suffer through the stomach churn of a date?  Familiar incompatibility breeds divorce.

If you like this blog, I have already made my point.  If the blog doesn’t fit . . . at least it’s short.

Alan