Have you ever been emotionally offended by another person?  Of course.  The underlying question is:  What, if anything, should you do about it.  You have three basic options:

1. Try to hurt them worse.
2. Talk to them to resolve the hurt and prevent a recurrence.
3. Do nothing. Think of your anger as a small bowl filled with water.  Simply put it out in the morning sun to evaporate.

Let’s consider the benefits and burdens of each alternative.

Retaliation can be fun.  Especially in the planning stages.  A friend never shows up for your dinner party, and offers no explanation.  Why not invite them to another dinner party for a later date when you will be out of town?

But should you actually retaliate?  Do you really want to start a Hatfield vs. McCoy type feud that could last for years?  Do you need additional stress in your life?  Or guilt? Do you really want to assume the morally shaky ground of playing tit for tat?

I have never been a fan of retaliation.  Why should I bother?  I have more constructive and enjoyable activities to attend to, such as writing this blog.

Talking to each other is good.  If you have a close or continuing relationship, then the two of you might have an open and honest conversation.  The risk, of course, is that navigating hurt feelings can be tricky and the conversation could be unproductive – or worse – degenerate into a shouting match, with additional hurt feelings on each side.

If the issue is serious, or can’t be resolved by the two of you, enlisting the help of an outside advisor might help. Sustaining relationships with close friends and family is well worth working through the occasional hurts whenever possible.

Do nothing.  As a devout pragmatist I prefer this approach, especially with people with whom I don’t have an ongoing relationship.  No fuss, no muss, no bother.  Occasionally someone deliberately tries to hurt my feelings.  My reaction is to enjoy my own life even more.

I’ve heard it said that holding on to your anger against another person is like consuming poison and hoping they will die.  That does not appeal to me.  The choice to move on in your life might seem weird at first, but with practice it will become second nature.

Living well is good.

Living well as the best revenge is even better.

Alan

Most of us love to celebrate important milestones. I remember the party for my parents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary and my father’s 100^th birthday celebration.  Sadly, I don’t remember my own 80^th birthday party to be held in March, 2020 because it never happened.  I had to cancel four days before the party. The next day the NBA postponed its season, and shortly after that the entire state of California went into lockdown due to COVID-19.

Last week Daveen reminded me that March 22^nd would be our fortieth wedding anniversary.  (She also remembers the birth date of everyone on the planet.)

Daveen was, of course, correct – it’s been forty years!  If you follow my blog you will have read about many of our adventures together (and you can find all of my blogs at peopletoolsbook.com).  While this year we weren’t able to commemorate the occasion with a public gathering, we still enjoyed our own private celebration.

I’m delighted that Daveen and I been together for most of our lives. Like many young couples, we liked the thought of growing older together.  Not that we are old – that standard is a moving target – but we are getting closer.

Growing older together.  Is the reality of this as romantic as it seemed the day we were married?  Absolutely.  I love our many shared experiences and being able to communicate in shorthand. While others might not know what I’m referring to when I mention our return from Iceland, Daveen knows exactly what that means.  (Helpful hint: don’t pack your prescription drugs in a single bottle, like I did, when crossing an international border.  We met a few Customs officers who love to confiscate unlabeled pills.  Especially painkillers.)

Sharing lives, both the joys and the sorrows, with the same partner for more than forty years is comforting. By now we have worked out most of the “bugs,” and neither of us is going anywhere.

At 11:30 pm on March 22, 1981, I carried Daveen over the threshold of our room at the Pierpont Inn after a full wedding day. I was so happy I didn’t notice that the flowers I’d ordered to surprise her had never been delivered to our room (they were still in the hotel office). As you might imagine, even without the flowers, it was a wonderful night.

Happy birthdays and anniversaries to all!

Alan

P.S. The Pierpont Inn refunded $50.00 to me for the flowers.

When I drove home from work recently the road I normally take was closed for repairs.  I took a detour that added about 30 seconds to my drive.

The world is filled with literal roadblocks where there is no option but to find an alternate route.  But sometimes life’s metaphorical roadblocks — psychological or financial — can be more subtle, and more challenging.

Years ago I read an article in the Wall Street Journal describing the ten most important rules of money.  The author’s first rule was:  “Don’t run out of money.”  His last rule was also, “Don’t run out of money.”  The other eight rules, he said, were not nearly as important.

To avoid breaking the first and last rule of money, different people might use different routes.  Diana, a friend of mine, kept a list of all her regular monthly expenses such as food and housing, and a second list of all her extraordinary expenses such as a down payment on a house or a long vacation.  She explained to me, “I collect everything due to me on time, and I pay all of my bills on time.  I also keep enough money in an emergency fund to cover unpredictable expenses.”  In this way she was able to navigate around unforeseen financial roadblocks.

Psychological roadblocks can also be a challenge to predict, plan for, and overcome.

My mother hated to drive.  She was eager for me to get my own driver’s license so that I could be her chauffeur.  I liked to drive, and was delighted to help out. Otherwise, I faced roadblock of my own – parental permission to use the car. Running errands for my mother was a way around both of our problems. I would often ask, “Do you need anything from the store, Mom?” I was happy to be the solution to my mother’s psychological roadblock because it helped me overcome my own financial ones (not having a car or money for gas).

The COVID-19 pandemic has now stretched out for more than a year, and has created a number of roadblocks for everyone.  We’ve adapted our lives to allow for social distancing. At last, many grandparents have been vaccinated and can resume the simple pleasure of hugging their grandchildren.

Soon we might be able to travel and gather with friends and family again without fear of spreading a deadly illness.

We know that our world is filled with unpredictable roadblocks.

Fortunately, it is also filled with many roads as well as alternate routes, some that might be even more scenic than the route we had originally planned.

Alan