We’ve all been there.

“Can I eat my desert now?”

“You can’t have desert until after you finish all of your spinach.”

This is a common, but appalling, parenting technique, and is much more likely to result in an argument rather than in the enjoyment of vegetables.  The child hears, “My parent is a dictator using their position to force me to eat something I hate (unless perhaps I scream loud enough or nag long enough), while they’ve already finished their apple pie.”

There is a concept of contract law known as a “condition precedent.”  In legal terms that means I have to mow your lawn first (the “condition precedent”) before you have the obligation to pay me. When parents insists that a child eat all of the spinach before their sweet reward, they are announcing a condition precedent.

If I was your neighbor you wouldn’t even consider approaching me with a brusque statement such as, “I won’t pay you until after you have completed mowing my lawn.” You are much more likely to gain my cooperation if you ask nicely.

Why not bring a positive attitude to our role as parents? I suggest we aspire to be gentle guides rather than dictators.

Each morning Daveen and I used to say to our young daughters, “You get to go to school today,” and never, “You have to go to school today.”  Now, when I remember to say it properly to my grandchildren, and when their parents aren’t hovering, I say, “Sure, you can enjoy your desert as soon as you finish this delicious spinach.  I’ll eat some more with you.”

Brute force produces a short-term reward. Positive reinforcement produces permanent change.  Also, life and lessons are more fun and memorable when your guide is gentle, rather than scary.

Let’s each express our positive care, respect, and encouragement whenever we offer guidance to those we love.

Alan

This blog is a love letter to Teamwork.

Dear Teamwork,

I love you.

In my twenties I entered the world of business, certain that I was the smartest person in the room and had all the answers.  Of course, over time I discovered through many mistakes that I was wrong about that.

What a difference fifty years makes.  Teamwork, you have taught me a lot – notably that in order to succeed we need to work together.

Today I realize there are many areas in which I know very little.  Sometimes I don’t even know how to ask the right questions. For example, I am definitely not an expert on health care, which is why I am always grateful to have Daveen with me when I visit a doctor.

Over the years I’ve learned that teamwork is essential to identify solutions, and is also essential to effectively implement a plan of action.

Simply put, there is no way I can reach my goals in life without help.  It’s not only more productive, but also more fun, to work as a team.

It seems natural for us to organize ourselves into groups that share objectives. The Sierra Club, a political party, or a baseball little league are all organized around mutual interests.  We hold meetings to discuss problems, identify solutions, and put our plans into action.

For many years I’ve been part of a team at ACF Property Management, Inc.  We are a group of about forty, working together to manage commercial real estate throughout the United States.  One of the important secrets of our success is that almost everyone at ACF knows a lot more about how best to do their specific job than I or anyone else.  We work well together and we all contribute.

One of my worst fears is that one morning I will arrive at work and no one else will be here.  What could I accomplish all by myself?  Not nearly as much as we can together.

I am extremely thankful for our outstanding team at ACF, for my extended family which is always helpful and supportive, and to Daveen who is half of our tiny team of two.

Now it’s time to email this blog to a friend for editing.

Teamwork, I love you.

Alan

A toxic person is one who regularly evokes negative emotions in you.  Since Patterns Persist (see my first People Tools book) it’s not difficult to identify a toxic friend, family member, or coworker because they will repeatedly pollute your life for as long as you let them.

Years ago a woman I was once close to became physically violent with me.  She was angry and tried to grab my iPhone right out of my hand.  This happened after months of her initiating and escalating one needless conflict after another.  After she became violent, I agreed to see her one more time, in public and for just a few minutes, to tell her in person that our relationship was over and I would never see her again.

How long should you tolerate a toxic person in your life?

When I was in law school I introduced my friend Marsha to Ken, and soon they were married.  Their marriage was short.  Years later Marsha told me that she walked out the first time Ken hit her.  When she showed up at her parents’ home her mother asked, “Are you ever going back to him?”

“No,” Marsha said.

“Good,” her mother said.  “If you were going back I wouldn’t take you in.”

But not everyone learns as quickly as Marsha. Some of us need years to end a relationship with a toxic person.

In my business career I’ve known two men whom I can best describe as charming con artists.  Of course, to be successful as a con man (or woman) you have to be charming.  One of them cheated me for a decade, the other for longer than that.  Even when one of my sons showed me proof that one of them was dishonest with me, I continued to have a business relationship with him.  Silly me.

But it is never too late to make a change for the better.

Today I have no contact with either man, and my life is much improved.

I know that you and I might be loyal to a fault (and con men are so charming).

I realize that it may be difficult to disengage from a toxic family relationship.

I understand that if you need the job you may elect to tolerate a boss who screams at you regularly or always criticizes your work.

My experience, however, is that toxic people never change their pattern of infecting the lives of others and you are never going to change them.  But you do have the power to change your own life.

That is why my number one suggestion for leading a happy and productive life is to identify and detach from toxic people.  Right now.  It doesn’t get any better.  It only gets worse.

And you might keep in mind my adage:  You are smudged by the company you keep.

Alan