Transitions can be difficult.

Years ago, when I was studying in the Counselor Education program at USC, I learned that when we are hit by too many changes in a short period of time our health can suffer.

Some of the most stressful changes are marriage, divorce, birth, death, a new job, and moving. Because I know about the health consequences of too much stress, I do my best to never make more than one major life change in a twelve-month period.

Of course, many events we experience in life, such as the current Pandemic, are entirely beyond our control.

Today Daveen and I visited one of our sons and his family. All of us were seated outside, ten feet apart, and there was no touching.  In fact, Daveen is the only person I’ve touched in five months.  That is different.

Today, also for the first time in five months, Daveen and I enjoyed a “take-out” lunch together under a temporary awning erected by the restaurant. There were no other diners within fifteen feet of us.  We felt lucky to find a remote table where it was safe to enjoy brunch outside and we didn’t have to eat in our car.

The coronavirus requires not only a tremendous adjustment in the way we live, but also introduces a high level of uncertainty.  When will the economy recover?  What will work look like a year from now?  Will we ever be able to hug each other freely again?  No one knows. We can only guess.

The one emotion I can maintain, however, is my optimism.

Every day I appreciate the positive ways in which my life has changed for the better.  I am eating healthier than ever. Most evenings I eat a delicious salad for dinner.  I’m walking between six and seven thousand steps a day.  I work from home much more than before, and I’m grateful to be a part of a creative and dedicated team at my office.

A recent study I read about in Science Daily demonstrates that even when people know they have only taken a placebo, it still has a powerful effect. Subjects felt better despite knowing that their treatment wasn’t real. Think about that.  Where is your life if not in your head?

Of course, there are some patterns that we don’t change.  I still write my blog Sunday evening.  Most mornings I enjoy the same breakfast.  And I still prefer not to talk on the phone.

Keep safe for another week.

Alan

We all face challenges in life. When our friends encounter rough spots we support them.  Several years ago many of my friends and family helped me enormously in dealing with an unexpected personal problem.

It is possible, however, that even with the best of intentions we inadvertently become part of the problem.

When you’re living through a major life change, has anyone ever said to you, “I know you must be very upset.”

That statement, intended as sympathetic, always disturbs me, especially when I am handling the problem to my satisfaction and trying to keep it out of my mind.

This may be a subtle point, but to me it’s important.  I’ll elaborate.

Why automatically assume that a friend is upset?  Maybe he or she is perfectly fine with the situation.  Years ago my close friend John was fired from a position he held for a decade.  When I joined him for dinner that evening I greeted John with, “Congratulations!”

He looked surprised. “What do you mean, ‘Congratulations’?  Alan, I just lost my job.”

“John, you’ve complained about that job for ten years. You’ve been miserable, and you’re better off without it.  I guarantee that six months from now you’ll be earning a better income and you’ll be a lot happier.”

Once John recovered from my surprising greeting we enjoyed a pleasant and positive dinner. He was happier when we walked out of the restaurant, and six months later John was thrilled with his new job.

Years ago a man I worked with complained regularly while we walked to the parking lot at the end of the day.  I made suggestions, but he never accepted a single one.

After a year we were both completely frustrated. Finally, he said to me, “Alan, I don’t want your suggestions.  I just want to complain.”

I was shocked.  How could anybody not want my suggestions?  But, of course, he was right.  I was giving him something he didn’t want.  Today, before offering a suggestion, I ask, “Do you want advice, or do you just want to complain?”

Now, when a friend faces a crisis, I don’t butt in.  I ask how they’re feeling to find out if they want to talk about it.  I might start with, “Are you okay?”  Their answer could range from, “I’m fine,” to “I don’t want to talk about it,” to “I’m a basket case.”  I respond accordingly.

Also, in my professional life I typically face several “disasters” every day.  In the afternoon, when I’m tired and in the midst of the third or fourth “disaster,” I usually just laugh. It breaks the tension, and is a lot more productive than becoming angry.

We might not have the answers. But let’s be considerate with each other.  Let’s be part of the solution.

Alan

On Saturday morning I experienced one of the few perfect moments of my life.

I was lying in bed reading. Daveen was next to me.  The sun played on the trees outside.  At rest in my favorite room I felt completely tranquil, putting aside all memories and concerns.

It was a perfect moment.

Even though our entire world is more uncertain and threatening than usual, in one singular moment I was fully present, yet distant, and refreshed.

I hope you are finding a few perfect moments of your own, and wish you the beauty and peace of serenity.

Love,

Alan