Last week, on my way to a doctor’s appointment, a man in the elevator said, “Hi, Alan.”

Even though I didn’t recognize him, I said “Hi” back, followed by, “How are you doing?”

“Not too bad. I’m on my way to see my surgeon. You?”

“Same.”

“You’re going to get better,” he said, then repeated, “You’re going to get better.”

“I hope so.”

He looked pale, and I knew he was reassuring himself as well as me. But reassurance is, well, reassuring – in any form.

We both were headed to the same doctors’ office on the eighth floor – a spinal surgery group. After he had been called into see his doctor I asked my wife, “Was that Ed?”

“I think so,” she said. “But I’m not sure. He looks a lot older than he did last time we saw him.”

“I agree. I hope I look better than he does.”

“You do. Definitely.” More reassurance (even if I asked for it). We hadn’t seen Ed for many years. He was an outstanding trial attorney who had helped me negotiate a large settlement in a lawsuit I filed many years ago.

Ed was finished with his appointment before I was called in. On his way out he said to me, “I’m going to start enjoying my money.”

We parted with smiles – both of us were in a similar medical and financial situation.
This is the best and most recent lesson reminding me to seize each day, and I’m passing it on to you.

Enjoy yourself. If not now – today – then when?

Alan

During the past week two friends mentioned to me on separate occasions that one of their favorite chapters in my original People Tools book (still selling well on Amazon) is “The 80% Solution.”

The gist of that chapter is this: if someone in your life, or in your job or your home, meets at least 80% of your needs, then don’t look any further.  You don’t need to spend your precious time looking for someone who might be a little bit better. 

This particular People Tool has served me well. In most circumstances I’m very happy at or above 80%. But, upon reflection, I have one additional idea because, even at 80%, I haven’t been completely happy.

I always want my life to be better today than it was yesterday. This means I’m always looking for ways to improve myself – and, unfortunately, others. That becomes a problem when someone – say my wife – is only at 92% and I’m trying to “help” her improve to 100%.  (My version of 100%.)  But is it reasonable for me to expect her to become my sugarplum-fairy vision, meeting every one of my needs all of the time?  Of course not.  But until recently my repeated failure hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Today I believe that expecting a perfect performance from my spouse, or children, or anyone else (including myself) is a mistake, taking me down the well-populated road of conflict and dissatisfaction.

Have you ever tried to “help” your spouse, or anyone else you are close to, get better at pleasing you?  Perhaps you’ve had a running argument for years about the same issue.  And golly, they just haven’t gotten the message yet.  Maybe they will next time. Right?  Or maybe you’re just sounding like an old, broken record.

Forget a perfect “next time.”  That’s just your illusion.  In fact, forget whatever the issue is altogether.

If the issue is non-negotiable and you’ve been to therapy and you still aren’t satisfied after years of trying, the simple solution is to use your feet and leave.  If the issue isn’t all that important (and most aren’t), then change your expectation. I can live with being a few minutes late for dinner with friends.  After all, my wife seems okay with me not becoming vegan.  Now we both can relax and enjoy our mutual 80+% without the friction of failing by pushing for more.

If you’re feeling braver than I am, simply ask your family, friends, or significant other exactly what score they would give you. 

Or you can take my hint — It is extremely unlikely that they will award you a 100%, if only because they’re tired of your nagging.  As someone once said, “To err is human.  Not to forgive is even more human.”

I will not wish you luck on this one.  I do, however, wish you greater skill.

Alan

We can’t control everything that happens to us.  We might encounter unexpected health problems (such as my two surgeries earlier this year), the death of a loved one (my dad last May), or the dissolution of a close relationship (for me, early in 2018).  

We can, however, control our reaction to what happens.  I choose to respond with thanks and optimism, especially to a continuing problem or great disappointment.  I’m not saying that a positive response is always easy.  It’s not.  I strongly believe, however, that a positive response is always possible, and that it becomes easier with practice.  As Nietzsche wrote in 1888, “What does not kill me makes me stronger.”

My health has always been excellent. Until I was seventy-nine I’d only had one major surgery and that was an appendectomy when I was fourteen.  Then, unexpectedly, earlier this year I had two spinal surgeries. I’ve been told that my recovery will take at least a year, maybe longer, and might never be complete.  So what are the positives?

1. I’m closer to my family.
2. I better appreciate the value of working.  While I’m at my desk I’m unaware of my physical problems because I’m focused on my work.
3. My physical health will end up better than ever because, for the first time in my life, I’m exercising every day — even when I don’t have an appointment with my physical therapist or personal trainer. 
4. During the past few weeks my mood has improved, probably because of my exercise.
5. I’ve met two friends who have recently had similar surgeries. Although they’re younger than I am I’m encouraged because I think I’m recovering better than they are.

I’m at peace with the loss of my dad because we saw each other often and our meetings were always positive. I’ll give him a lot of credit for that.  I remember the important lessons he taught me, as well as all of the travel and other wonderful experiences we enjoyed together for almost eighty years.

As for relationships, I still remember a statement from the Harry Browne book “How I Found Freedom in an Unfree World.”  To paraphrase, he wrote, “Every time I’ve left a relationship my next relationship has been better.”

I’ve followed Browne’s advice, and it has usually worked for me.  After all, the most important relationship is always my current relationship, and that is going extremely well.  Could it be that my wife and I have each learned a lot and we’re better at getting along with each other than we were twenty years ago?

Health problems, deaths, and breakups can throw any of us off temporarily, but perpetual suffering is optional.

Alan