Today I’m going to suggest an idea that you already know and use, but I’m going to add an important twist.

You already personalize your approach to each person with whom you interact.  You treat them the way you think they would like to be treated. That seems pretty obvious (although you might not be doing it consciously).

We tailor the way we speak, for example, to accommodate the person we are talking to.  Babies don’t often hear many six syllable words.  Recently a friend overheard my conversation with a coworker.  Later she said, “What in the world were you two talking about?  ‘TD’s.’ ‘UD’s,’ ‘NOI’s’ – what was that all about?”

She was understandably baffled.  My coworker and I had been using many real estate abbreviations, well known to us but unknown to her.   I have the same problem whenever a doctor speaks to me using a medical term “Dyspepsia.”  Really?  That sounds like an aversion to soft drinks. Either I need a translator or my doctor should adjust the way he or she communicates with me.

At a weekend wedding years ago my wife and I were instructed, “Do not use any swear words.  The bride’s family is very much against that.”

“For the whole weekend?”

“Yes.  Definitely.”

“How about ‘darn’?

“No.  Stay clear of that.”

We tried, it wasn’t easy, and we weren’t perfect.  Perhaps with more practice we might have successfully adjusted our vocabulary to suit our audience.

The same idea applies to actions.  If your significant other, or your parents, like to begin dinner promptly at 5:30 pm rather than your preferred time of 8:00 pm, either someone is going to have to compromise or everyone is likely to be unhappy. Often we modify our behavior to please others.

My “twist” is this.  Treat yourself as an “other.” By that I mean, try to be just as considerate to yourself as you are to everyone else. Why not personalize your life to suit your own needs and adjust your behavior accordingly.  This might involve changing well-ingrained habits.

For example, I have been a couch potato most of my life.  I would rather make one trip, instead of three, to clean up the kitchen after a meal.  The idea of walking never appealed to me, other than a very short walk to my car. I would internally shout, “Hurrah!” when my personal trainer doesn’t show up, because then I didn’t have to exercise.

Recently, however, I’ve been told by those who know that at my age (79) I have to “use it or lose it,” meaning I need to actively exercise six days a week to live longer and enjoy my life.  To obtain the desired result, I have had to change my thinking.

Last week my wife and I met friends for dinner at a new restaurant, and when we arrived my wife apologized to me for the two-block walk.

“I didn’t realize I could have parked right here with the valet,” she said.

“It’s okay,” I said.  “I appreciate the opportunity to walk a few blocks each way.”

This statement was downright unAlan – not something the previous me would ever have considered.  But the new Alan is taking much better care of himself. The new Alan even enjoyed dinner at a neighbor’s house last night, including walking both ways.

My suggestion? Take good care of yourself too. Be as nice to yourself as you are to others.

Or, possibly, even nicer.

Alan

Last week, on my way to a doctor’s appointment, a man in the elevator said, “Hi, Alan.”

Even though I didn’t recognize him, I said “Hi” back, followed by, “How are you doing?”

“Not too bad. I’m on my way to see my surgeon. You?”

“Same.”

“You’re going to get better,” he said, then repeated, “You’re going to get better.”

“I hope so.”

He looked pale, and I knew he was reassuring himself as well as me. But reassurance is, well, reassuring – in any form.

We both were headed to the same doctors’ office on the eighth floor – a spinal surgery group. After he had been called into see his doctor I asked my wife, “Was that Ed?”

“I think so,” she said. “But I’m not sure. He looks a lot older than he did last time we saw him.”

“I agree. I hope I look better than he does.”

“You do. Definitely.” More reassurance (even if I asked for it). We hadn’t seen Ed for many years. He was an outstanding trial attorney who had helped me negotiate a large settlement in a lawsuit I filed many years ago.

Ed was finished with his appointment before I was called in. On his way out he said to me, “I’m going to start enjoying my money.”

We parted with smiles – both of us were in a similar medical and financial situation.
This is the best and most recent lesson reminding me to seize each day, and I’m passing it on to you.

Enjoy yourself. If not now – today – then when?

Alan

During the past week two friends mentioned to me on separate occasions that one of their favorite chapters in my original People Tools book (still selling well on Amazon) is “The 80% Solution.”

The gist of that chapter is this: if someone in your life, or in your job or your home, meets at least 80% of your needs, then don’t look any further.  You don’t need to spend your precious time looking for someone who might be a little bit better. 

This particular People Tool has served me well. In most circumstances I’m very happy at or above 80%. But, upon reflection, I have one additional idea because, even at 80%, I haven’t been completely happy.

I always want my life to be better today than it was yesterday. This means I’m always looking for ways to improve myself – and, unfortunately, others. That becomes a problem when someone – say my wife – is only at 92% and I’m trying to “help” her improve to 100%.  (My version of 100%.)  But is it reasonable for me to expect her to become my sugarplum-fairy vision, meeting every one of my needs all of the time?  Of course not.  But until recently my repeated failure hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Today I believe that expecting a perfect performance from my spouse, or children, or anyone else (including myself) is a mistake, taking me down the well-populated road of conflict and dissatisfaction.

Have you ever tried to “help” your spouse, or anyone else you are close to, get better at pleasing you?  Perhaps you’ve had a running argument for years about the same issue.  And golly, they just haven’t gotten the message yet.  Maybe they will next time. Right?  Or maybe you’re just sounding like an old, broken record.

Forget a perfect “next time.”  That’s just your illusion.  In fact, forget whatever the issue is altogether.

If the issue is non-negotiable and you’ve been to therapy and you still aren’t satisfied after years of trying, the simple solution is to use your feet and leave.  If the issue isn’t all that important (and most aren’t), then change your expectation. I can live with being a few minutes late for dinner with friends.  After all, my wife seems okay with me not becoming vegan.  Now we both can relax and enjoy our mutual 80+% without the friction of failing by pushing for more.

If you’re feeling braver than I am, simply ask your family, friends, or significant other exactly what score they would give you. 

Or you can take my hint — It is extremely unlikely that they will award you a 100%, if only because they’re tired of your nagging.  As someone once said, “To err is human.  Not to forgive is even more human.”

I will not wish you luck on this one.  I do, however, wish you greater skill.

Alan