This morning I woke at 6:00 am, rose from bed at 6:23, showered at 6:26, then packed my suitcase and was standing on the curb in front of my house at 7:08 waiting to be picked up by a Lyft driver.  Obviously I keep track of time.

But I had intended to leave at exactly 6:45, so I was already twenty-three minutes late for my eight-day vacation on Maui. More precisely, I was rushing to catch a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Los Angeles International Airport because I have never succeeded in convincing a Lyft driver to take me all the way to Maui.  Once, when I asked, the driver made fun of me.  “That’s further than New York.  Do you have any idea what the cost of fuel would be?  I’d have to charge you a fortune.”  Ha ha.

As my current driver darted in and out of traffic, my GPS said we would arrive at 8:21, which would leave me very little time to go through security and get to the gate before my 8:45 departure.

Traffic, of course, seemed much heavier than usual.  My GPS changed the arrival time to 8:22, then 8:24, and before we even reached Interstate 405 we were scheduled to arrive as late as 8:41.  That would not give me enough time to make my flight.

I called the airline to change my reservation.  Ha ha.  After I waited on hold for twenty-one minutes the airline representative told me that for a substantial fee they could put me on the same flight tomorrow.

No thanks.

We made up some time on the freeway, but lost it in traffic at the airport.  We arrived at 8:38. I leapt out of the gray Toyota, grabbed my suitcase with carpal-tunneled hands, and “excused” myself to the front of the security line.  But of course, TSA selected my carry-on for a personal search.

I need to tell you that throughout this entire process I remained calm and relaxed.  I’ll admit that when my GPS showed our arrival time as 8:41 I had tensed up just a bit. I might even have been angry or scared, but in my family fear was not an acceptable emotion so I usually turn it into anger (which feels better anyway).  Rationalizations can be so comforting!

I was able to stay relaxed because I realized there was no effective action I could take to speed up my arrival at the airport.  I would either get seated on my flight or not, so I sat back and sort of enjoyed the ride.

I arrived at the gate at 8:46 — one minute late, and the plane was already pushing back from the gate.  If that flight crashed I would not be one of the victims. But unless I’m already on them, I hate it when planes leave on time.

For an additional fee that was more than the price of my original ticket, Hawaiian Airlines graciously waitlisted me for a flight to Honolulu leaving in hour with a waitlisted seat from there to Maui. As a back-up they confirmed my reservation on a direct flight to Maui that was leaving at 5pm.

The Honolulu wait list cleared, and I’m now at 40,000 feet.  With luck, I’ll arrive at the Avis Car Rental on Maui only a little more than four hours late.

So I was rushing to… why?  If I can’t change a situation, then why should I worry?

Perhaps you’ll agree that I got a pretty good blog out of the experience.

Alan

SHORT QUIZ:

1.  How many rationalizations can you spot in this blog?
2.  On a scale of one to ten, how useful are the rationalizations in your own life? I would give them at least an eight in mine.

If I were to take my four-year-old grandson to the Los Angeles Main Library, show him a few books, and tell him that he should learn to read, how well would he succeed without further instruction and supervised practice?

You’re right.  Not well.

In our schools we teach many core subjects, including reading, arithmetic, history, and geography.  As a society, however, we seldom teach how to get along with other people in an effective and consistent way.  Instead we assume that our children will learn relationship skills automatically at home and by simply interacting with others outside of our home.

No wonder we tend to read, however imperfectly, better than we handle relationships.  If our parents scream, we learn to scream.  If our parents lie or reward lying, we tend to lie.  If our parents hit, we learn to hit. Unfortunately, we leave the teaching of effective relationships to people who very often are the least able to teach it well. Accordingly, cycles of dysfunction and violence tend to perpetuate.

There are many parents who practice love and patience.  But some do not.  In any event, I find that with a strong desire to do better in relationships, anyone can improve.

For example, when I began my business more than fifty years ago I blamed someone else for every failure.  After all, my hindsight is perfect.   But in effect I was discouraging everyone who worked with me. They were unwilling to take any chances, and often hid their mistakes from me.  This was not a good way to manage people or run a business.

I have written about a number of tools to improve relationships in my weekly blog.  One tool that I have written about before but that I can’t emphasize enough, is this:

Does what you say to others meet three tests — Is it truthful, kind, and necessary?

I can’t overstate the life changing effect of this simple three-prong test. If everyone employed it in their dealings with others all of their relationships would immediately improve for the better.  And when your relationships improve, your life follows suit.

This idea was not drummed into me at an early age, so I have to remind myself of it – often (and now I am reminding you of it as well).  I suggest you do the same, and in an effort to pass it along, please model it to your children and grandchildren.

I thank you.  My wife thanks me.

Alan

I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change is the second-longest running Off-Broadway musical in history.

No wonder.  Even the title describes a situation we’ve all experienced.  Our parents were perfect until we figured out that they, like other human beings, were human.  Every romantic love of our lives was perfect until we realized that they didn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste tube.  Our children were perfect when they were born.  That didn’t last forever.

Every one of us has a unique set of habits and preferences.

Please note I said “preferences,” not absolutes. I prefer my eggs either scrambled or over easy.  Several members of my extended family are vegans and don’t eat eggs at all.  There is no “right or “wrong” here – just different preferences.

To have a successful relationship with someone you have to understand, deeply, that when you like rap and they prefer classical they are not wrong.  They merely have a different preference that they may or may not be able or willing to change. How would you feel if your partner insisted that for the rest of your life you could only eat his or her favorite foods, and never your own (bye bye French fry)?

Of course, I always think the demands I make on my partner are easy, loving, and would give her a better life, whereas the changes she has requested from me are overbearing, outrageous, and selfish. Ah, perspective is everything.

But when you’ve had the same argument with the same partner about the same requested changes for (fill in the amount of time), eventually you have to realize that to be effective you need to use other options. Since continuing to argue hasn’t worked and will never work, consider one of these three alternatives.

1. Offer. Simply say to your partner, “Would you please be responsible for taking out the recycling?   What can I do for you in return?”  Your partner may respond with something that is fine with you, and the problem is solved.
2. Deal Point — Leave. Your partner may answer, “I won’t be responsible for the recycling under any circumstances.”  When neither of you will compromise under any circumstances then it’s a “deal point.” When you encounter a “deal point” from which no one will back down then the only effective solution is to end the relationship.
3. Give Up. If it isn’t mandatory for you that your partner take out the recycling, then just let it go.  You will have removed a point of friction between the two of you, leaving space in your relationship for everything you enjoy about each other.

I’m thinking that being effective in life is so important that it deserves a book of its own.  At least it deserves another blog or two.

Do you agree?

Alan