I think of myself as an independent person and I don’t like anyone to question my actions. This is one of the reasons I began my own business fifty years ago. If I leave the office at 4:00 pm, I don’t want to explain myself or have someone ask, “Where are you going?” or “Why are you leaving early?”

But sometimes I carry my need for independence to an extreme and this can be self-defeating.  With experience, I’ve come to realize that it can often be a mistake not to explain myself.

I read a study years ago, but only recently appreciated that it applies to me.

The study concluded that you have more success achieving your goals with people if you give them a reason for what you are doing. If you want to cut in line to use the copy machine and say to others in front of you, “I need to use the copy machine,” you will succeed less than half of the time.  But, if you simply add a reason, even a reason like, “I’m in a hurry,” people will let you cut in line more than eighty percent of the time

To me, that’s strange.  “I’m in a hurry” doesn’t add anything.  Of course you’re in a hurry, it’s self-evident.  That’s why you asked in the first place.  But as someone who has gone through life only occasionally giving an explanation for my actions, I think the study is right. So, whenever I can, I now provide an explanation. I suggest you consider doing the same — it isn’t very difficult and can definitely help others to cooperate.

Think about it.  If I write, “I’m finished writing this blog” without a reason you might feel unsatisfied or deserted.  If I simply add, “I’m tired,” or “my feet hurt,” you would more likely think, “Okay.”

I’m finished writing this blog now because I’m hungry and dinner is ready.

Alan

I remember a dream from years ago.  It was not my usual nightmare of trying to outrun a tidal wave or forgetting how to use my phone in an emergency or being chased by evil men who wanted to hurt me.  This was a dream about love.

In my dream a young woman I didn’t know asked me to make love with her. It was her first time.  In my dream I was also young, though with some familiarity of the process, and I wanted her experience to be supreme, for the first time is the bell that rings in our hearts and minds for the rest of our lives.

Nothing more happened in my dream.  She shyly asked, I considered how I might respond.  Had I remained asleep, this might have been my advice.

When you make love for the first time, choose your time and your partner carefully.  This may take years, or it may take as long as shrugging off your robe.

You must choose so you can throw your whole self into the sea.  You must open your eyes to him and search for his soul.  You must open your eyes and allow her to see your soul, your longing, your enchantment, and your fear.

You must then touch in the way that seems right to you.  Your touch should be gentle and intimate but not invasive, both asking who he is and telling who you are.

You may be silent and focus on who you are, who she is, the feeling and meaning of what you are doing on all levels, physical, emotional and spiritual.  You may focus on being in the moment, or remembering the moment, for memory is our universal scrap book.

You might disturb your solitude with unrestrained screams, and hope that the neighbors or your parents are not at home or have temporarily gone deaf.  Or you may hope they are smiling at your first experience and remembering their own.

Enter fully into yourself and her and your intimacy with nothing held back, as if this is not just the first but also the last time the two of you will ever completely share yourselves while on this earth.  And it is true.  You will never be the same.  She will never be the same.  Should you marry and share the same bed for seventy-five years it will never, and should never, be the same.

Each glance, each touch, each word is for now and for the first time and the last time.  This moment, your body, your soul, your heart should be honored, full and complete in this time and at this place, and with this person you chose who will always be more than you imagined.

And, when you are spent, please laugh.  Share the laughter of your new found familiarity, of your relief that it really happened, of the knowledge in your bones that you experienced something amazing and unique  and it will never happen that same way again.

And finally, before you yield to the temptation to roll over or simply cuddle into sleep, you must open your eyes to her and openly reveal your newly naked soul.

Love,

Alan

Almost one year ago I moved into Sprite’s home. I brought with me five suitcases of stuff, and a lot of unsorted baggage in my heart and in my head.

We now live together in our new home that we moved into several months ago and plan to be married in our garden late next month.

It’s been an intense year of getting to know each other, and yet seems like a very short year of enjoying each other’s company.

I am always certain that I know how to live and that my way is the best way.

Sprite lived on her own for seven years and she too felt that she knew how to live the best way for herself which makes sense since she didn’t have to accommodate anyone else.

She ran her own company.  I ran mine.

So although we began our relationship with no clash in underlying values, there were differences in the details.  Sprite preferred to be in bed by 9:00 pm and she awoke before dawn.  I was accustomed to going to sleep after 11:00 pm and waking after 7:00 am.  She was used to spending a lot of quality time with her significant other, which was different than the way I had lived for the past many years.

What to do?

We both decided to be flexible and willing to try everything a different way, unless it involved eating raw oysters (which I detest).

Fortunately Sprite doesn’t like raw oysters either, so there was no issue there.

As for my trying to do things her way, my ego would say that it didn’t turn out too badly.  My rational mind says that it turned out quite well. We have each benefited from one another’s strengths. Sprite has valuable ideas for my blogs.  I help her to better understand money and investment because she wants to learn more about those subjects.

Sprite is better at organizing than I am.  She arranged our closet so that it’s easy for me to be neat.  Of course, I am delighted when she occasionally leaves her boots outside of the neat closet because I feel more relaxed living with someone who doesn’t also need to be perfect.  I certainly don’t want to have to be perfect, at least not according to anyone else’s rules.

Sprite loves to cook and does it almost every day. While, out of health concerns, I never added salt to food, she does (along with a lot of lemon juice) and I find her cooking delicious. Her breakfasts and dinners are healthy, inspired, and a joy to look forward to.  I relish our Sunday morning treks to the local farmer’s market where we buy most of our food.  This has been a totally new experience for me.

What I have discovered in our year of getting to know one another better is this:

1. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to live. There are only “different” ways.
2. Something different might be better.
3. Many of Sprite’s preferences work better for me than my own.

And yes, we have each lost some “battles,” Sprite sometimes goes to bed later than she is used to and often skips her usual morning workout just to stay in bed with me.  But both Sprite and I have won the peace together.

Cheers to our February wedding, where my 102-year-old father will be our best man.

Alan