In the 1976 movie, The Marathon Man, the hero “Babe” Levy, played by Dustin Hoffman, is restrained in a dental chair. The demented dentist, played by Laurence Olivier, is torturing him with a dental drill. While Olivier is drilling into Hoffman’s teeth, he keeps repeating the question, “Is it safe?”
Is what safe? Hoffman’s character doesn’t have a clue what the dentist is talking about and it looks like “bye-bye” teeth.
I’m going to turn this scene around and apply it to real life. How many times does someone ask you, “Is it safe?” or “Are you safe for me?” when you don’t even know they are asking the question?
I’ll give you an example.
My yet-to-be second wife Susan and I were talking on the sofa in her living room on our second date. I suggested that we stop talking for a while. Within seconds Susan flew into my arms and we began to kiss. When it looked as if it might become more serious Susan stopped, looked up at me, and said, “What religion are you?”
I told her, and asked what religion she was. She told me and then asked if I was very religious.
“No. Not very. How about you?”
“Not very.”
We now knew we shared the same religion but were not severe about it.
Our physical relationship progressed.
The next time we were together I said, “So you wanted to know whether or not it was safe to let yourself go a little more with me.”
“No.”
“Then why did you ask about my religion after we started to kiss?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I was just curious.”
I think that Susan believed that. But I didn’t, because her timing was too odd. I think that Susan was really asking, “Is it safe to get involved with you?” And religion was important to her.
Learning to find the deeper meaning in your partner’s words is challenging, but almost mandatory to develop trust and understanding. Have you or your partner ever expressed anger at a time, or in a way, that seemed inappropriate?
My friend Tom told me that a week before he was planning to propose to his long-term girlfriend Celia, he offered to give her his old cell phone because he had bought a new one. Celia responded by email.
“How dare you offer me your used phone. I have the same kind and it works just fine. I don’t want your hand-me-downs.”
Tom was insulted, but instead of retaliating he wrote back to Celia, “Thanks for letting me know. I’m glad you already have a cell phone that you like. I only want the best for you.”
Two days later Celia admitted, “I was scared that you were getting too close, and if I accepted another gift from you I would be, somehow, obligated. I’ve thought about it and want you to know I’m sorry. I love you.”
When Tom did propose, not too long after, Celia’s answer was an enthusiastic, “Yes!”
Freud writes, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” In other words, sometimes a cigar is exactly what it seems to be and does not represent anything else. Likewise, behavior is often just what it appears to be.
But I suggest that you look for the times when a friend may really be asking, “Is it safe?”, when he or she appears to reject you.
Last week I visited with Dr. Carolyn, an eye surgeon. She told me that a man she really liked had recently asked to spend time apart.
“Is he afraid of you?”
She hesitated.
“I think so. Yes.”
“Talk to him about it. Maybe you can help him realize that you’re human too, and even though you’re successful he doesn’t have to be afraid of you. You need him too.”
Carolyn smiled. “I’ll give it a try.”
You should always listen to the music behind the words, and pay attention to both the lyrics and the song. Sometimes people are really just asking: “Is it safe?”
Alan
