“A New Frame” is my latest People Tool.

One of my favorite works of art in my home is a small drawing of a cottage.  It was not always my favorite.  One day Dan, a friend and professional art framer, visited and noticed the drawing hanging on the wall of my den.

“In a new frame,” he said, “that cottage would be exquisite.”

“Be my guest.”

I handed the drawing to him.  Years before I had concluded that, to get the best results, I needed to trust the experts.  Of course, as a well-known former president also said, “Trust, but verify.”

In this case verification was easy.  Two months later Dan returned with the reframed drawing.  He was absolutely right.  The cottage had been transformed from “nice” to “special.”  It’s my favorite to this day.

From my children I have learned that the concept of “reframing” has become popular in psychology.  This is not about art on the wall, but rather about how we each frame the experiences and expectations of our lives.

This year Covid-19 has affected almost everyone on the planet.  The words most commonly used to frame our shared experience are negative.  “Afraid,” “isolated,” and “uncertain” come to mind.  Perhaps each of these is true, but just like the old frame for my drawing we can certainly reframe our view of the world.

Couldn’t we also frame the pandemic positively? Perhaps we could think of it as “more time with family,” “less traffic,” or “a great opportunity to learn something new.”

The frame is just as important, perhaps even more important, than the picture, especially when we focus on our own state of mind.  Inside a happy frame my body relaxes. A negative frame of mind puts my stomach in knots.

In addition to reframing our experiences, we can also reframe our expectations.  My mantra is, “Expect the best, plan for the worst.”  But even in the worst of times I comfort myself with the idea, “I will prevail.”  Sometimes I don’t know how, but I’m confident that I will and that makes all the difference in how I feel each day.

To start putting your experiences and expectations into a new frame, consider telling yourself once each morning, and once each evening, something you expect to enjoy, or actually have enjoyed that day.  And when your mind responds with, “Yeah, but also remember the problems,” just say to yourself, “no, thanks,” and refocus on the positive.

You deserve a new and radiant frame in which to view the work of art that is your life.

Alan

The above is a reference to the title of a book by Thomas Wolfe published in 1940, two years after his death – you can’t truly go back to a place where you once lived because it has changed.  Inevitably, you will have changed as well.

The phrase came to mind last week after Daveen and I looked at a house for sale in Sherman Oaks near the 405 Interstate.  After our tour we drove past two nearby houses that I lived in almost fifty years ago.

I have fond memories of both homes, though I hadn’t really thought about them for a while. Seeing both again was surprising and disappointing.

I lived in the first house until 1971.  It has a brick facade.  The brick was painted stark white then, with mounds of Korean grass in front.  Now the brick has been restored to its natural red color, and the yard itself has entirely different landscaping – tall trees, shrubs, and no grass at all.  I was startled.  Actually, I was shocked.

As we sat in the car I said to Daveen, “This house used to have a lot of curb appeal.  It was new and fresh.  Now I wouldn’t even want to go inside.”

“And,” I added,” I used to love this neighborhood.  Now I don’t.  Most of the houses seem old and tired.”

I only recognized the second house, a few blocks away, because it has a stucco wall in front and many stairs leading up to the front door.  “Ugh,” I thought, “who would want to climb thirty steps just to reach their front door?  Not me.”

Of course, forty-five years ago I didn’t give those stairs a second thought.  Today I prefer a single story house.

Old times were the best, weren’t they?  High School graduation was exciting.  Having young children was exhausting but fun.  Our trip to Antarctica was perfect.  I first visited Machu Picchu in 1972 when it was relatively unknown.  On a return visit several years ago I had to make my reservation a month in advance, pay for my ticket, and walk only on the marked path.

I conclude that it’s best to live in the present. Enjoy whatever you can right now, and allow fond memories to rest in peace.

My father loved deep sea fishing, and took me with him from the time I was eight years old.  I still remember our final fishing trip, when we each caught the limit of ten yellowtail.

“This is it,” my dad said as we loaded the fish into the trunk of his car.  “I’m never going deep sea fishing again.”

“Why not, Dad?”

“It couldn’t possibly be better.  I want to keep today fresh in my memory.”

Dad, you were right.  You can’t go home again.

Alan

I haven’t hugged anyone except Daveen for six months.  We haven’t gone out together at night – no movies, no plays, no dinners at a restaurant with friends.  The landscape of my calendar has no social appointments.  It feels as if I’m living at the North Pole looking out on ice with no landmarks.

And yet, I really don’t miss any of the above.

Well, maybe hugging.

In short, my life during the pandemic is less cluttered. Now I have time to focus more deeply on simple pleasures – a crisp salad for dinner, an uninterrupted telephone call with a friend, or meandering through my garden.  I also share breakfast regularly with my oldest daughter, who is now living with us.

I recently asked Robert, an attorney friend of mine, how he and his family are doing.

“It’s different,’ he said, “but basically fine.  We used to have family dinners only on weekends.  Now I work at home, so I stop every day at five o’clock to cook dinner.  After our meal together as a family, I go back to work.”

Many people I know have moved, often to live closer to, or with, family.  Many are also changing jobs.

It isn’t often that nature hits the “pause” button and gives us a chance to reevaluate our lives. But this is exactly where many of us find ourselves today.  As a pragmatist I say, “Let’s take advantage of the opportunity.  Let’s rethink our previous actions and habits, with an eye toward being mindful of what works best for us. What should we keep, and what might we discard?”  I think about this often for myself.

Since we now have fewer external distractions, we are living more intensively with a few companions, and less extensively in larger groups.  In a year or two we’ll return to “the good old days”.  But we also have the rare chance to move into “the even better days” by using this time to transform our lives in the direction of simplicity.

Alan