Don’t Let False Beliefs Rule Your Life

When Daveen and I began living together almost fifty years ago, I told her to be on the lookout for a behavior of mine that was based on a belief I had carried since childhood.

“Don’t let it work on you,” I said.

Daveen and I had been together long enough for her to answer, “Tell me more.”

“Sure.  Somehow, when I was young, I got the idea that if I was upset enough for long enough other people would be sympathetic and give me what I wanted.  So if I go around the house sulking, ignore me as much as you can.  Don’t reward it.”

“O…kay.”  She sounded dubious.

When I think about it today, my belief was sometimes accurate, even if it was counterproductive – acting hurt to get sympathy.  Really?

Psychology books tell us that to encourage repetition of behavior we should give positive reinforcement.  When your children finish their homework we (should) say, “Great. Good job.”   (And never, “It’s about time.”)  When you step on the scale in the morning you should congratulate yourself on your success.  (If I think that my weight has risen, I sometimes wait a few days before I even step on the scale.)

But intermittent reinforcement is the strongest motivator of all.  When a pigeon receives a bit of food after every peck, it will soon stop pecking.  If the
“treats” are unpredictable a pigeon will continue pecking. So if my “mad on” got attention every third or fourth time, I was encouraged to continue using it.

We always have a number of emotional tools at our disposal. Acting upset so that everyone will know how hurt you are is certainly one of them.  But it’s far more pleasant to move past disappointment and feel happy.

We all know the saying, “Misery loves company.”

Guess what?  Joy loves company even more.

Have a cheerful day.

Alan