The Family Conference

When I was seven or eight my father started holding “the family conference.”  The primary purpose was to talk about and resolve family grievances which inevitably arise. For example, my little brother David often ate the last of the peanut butter and didn’t leave any for my lunch.

At each family conference, if possible, we would take action to solve whatever problems were discussed. We met in the living room. I can still see my father sitting in the big stuffed chair in the corner, smoking his pipe, with me and my little brother on the sofa next to him, and my mother in her chair on the other side of the room.

The rules were:

1. Any family member could call a family conference, which was normally held within a day or two of the request.
2. Any of us could speak for as long as we wanted to, without interruption.  I frequently cried when describing my problem, but everyone else waited for me to compose myself.  No one could interrupt or directly argue.
3. The conference lasted for as long as it needed to, until everyone had been heard on any subject they wanted to talk about.
4. There was no “blaming” allowed, and there was usually an attempt to resolve each problem by all family members agreeing on a solution, often after a compromise was reached.

I found “The Family Conference” to be very helpful, even though I usually didn’t think of my best arguments until the next morning.

I was a sensitive kid.  I cried when I was frustrated, which was often. These conferences made me feel safe to be myself—first crying, and finally expressing my needs and opinions.  Even if my problem wasn’t solved every time, I felt much better after the conference because both of my parents had taken the time to sit and listen to what I had to say.  In other words, I felt that they heard me.  The process also seemed more democratic than parental dictatorship which is the governing process for many families.

So parents, if you aren’t already doing so, I encourage you to starting holding family conferences. It will involve your children in running your family on a more egalitarian basis, preparing them to be better parents for your grandchildren. This is one form of glue that does hold families together. It teaches your children to use their words, rather than their fists.  It also encourages direct communication, rather than having children hide their feelings, or communicate only with friends.  Shouldn’t family members be best friends and look out for each other?

I think so.

Alan