Fitting In

We all want to “fit in.”  Even at our own peril.

When I was sixteen I traveled to Chicago to participate in a speech program for high school students.  On a Sunday afternoon I arrived at the university campus that was hosting the summer program. On the lawn in back of the dorm I found a tackle football game in progress.

At the time I weighed over 200 pounds. The other boys took one look at me and assumed I played football.  “Yes, I’m a lineman at my high school,” I lied, trying to fit in when, in truth, the nearest I ever came to a high school football game was cheering from the stands.

I was invited to join the game.  Of course I agreed.

On the first play the opposing tackle surged right over me, knocking me onto my butt.  Second play, same result.  On the third play he not only knocked me over, but also hit my leg.  As I fell, I tore something.  I hobbled around campus for the entire five weeks of the program.

It turned out that the lineman who knocked me over actually did play high school football, and, I later discovered, he had been named third string all-state from Tennessee.

The lesson was obvious, and I have applied it ever since. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not.

For example, people often use “Courtship Behavior” when dating. This is something I believe is self-defeating.  Presenting a false front is useless, at best. Before I even asked her on a date, a woman I once knew told me she preferred men who were six foot three and who had blonde hair and blue eyes.  I thought I could probably transform myself into blonde hair and blue eyes, but six foot three was beyond me. Needless to say, there never was a date.

“Fitting in” may seem important.  But aren’t we really seeking a sense of connection and community?  If we are, I believe it’s more productive to find individuals and groups with whom we share similar values or activities – those people with whom we can actually form meaningful and authentic connections, rather than bending ourselves into pretzels by claiming that we experienced at playing football when we aren’t.

Of course, this is far easier for me to accomplish at 81 than it was at 16.  For one thing no one now would believe I play football.

Cheers.

Alan