Gentle Guide or Dictator?

We’ve all been there.

“Can I eat my desert now?”

“You can’t have desert until after you finish all of your spinach.”

This is a common, but appalling, parenting technique, and is much more likely to result in an argument rather than in the enjoyment of vegetables.  The child hears, “My parent is a dictator using their position to force me to eat something I hate (unless perhaps I scream loud enough or nag long enough), while they’ve already finished their apple pie.”

There is a concept of contract law known as a “condition precedent.”  In legal terms that means I have to mow your lawn first (the “condition precedent”) before you have the obligation to pay me. When parents insists that a child eat all of the spinach before their sweet reward, they are announcing a condition precedent.

If I was your neighbor you wouldn’t even consider approaching me with a brusque statement such as, “I won’t pay you until after you have completed mowing my lawn.” You are much more likely to gain my cooperation if you ask nicely.

Why not bring a positive attitude to our role as parents? I suggest we aspire to be gentle guides rather than dictators.

Each morning Daveen and I used to say to our young daughters, “You get to go to school today,” and never, “You have to go to school today.”  Now, when I remember to say it properly to my grandchildren, and when their parents aren’t hovering, I say, “Sure, you can enjoy your desert as soon as you finish this delicious spinach.  I’ll eat some more with you.”

Brute force produces a short-term reward. Positive reinforcement produces permanent change.  Also, life and lessons are more fun and memorable when your guide is gentle, rather than scary.

Let’s each express our positive care, respect, and encouragement whenever we offer guidance to those we love.

Alan