When Honesty and Kindness Collide

“Honey, do you like this dress?”

Danger!  Danger!  Rocky passage ahead!

For many reasons one of my strongest values is honesty, both in myself and others.

For many of the same reasons another of my strongest values is kindness, also in myself and others.

But what happens when these two ideals collide?

Any one of the following reactions to the question above might be entirely honest.  I wouldn’t hesitate to immediately use either one of the first two.  As for the rest, what do you think?

“That dress is gorgeous.  An absolute ten.  You’re the belle of my ball.”

“Very nice. Blue is definitely your color.”

“Hasn’t that dress been hanging in your closet for three or four years?  It might be past its prime.”

“If I were you I’d take it off.  Please.”

“It might be nice if it still fit you.”

“Ugly.  I’ve always thought you found that dress on sale at a thrift shop.”

My temptation, and I hope yours, would be to respond with kind, rather than brutal, honesty.  Often the tricky question is how to mix the two.

A simple solution is always best, and two principles come into play.  First, lead with a positive statement.  Second, soften any (honest) negative.

“Darling, I’m glad you asked.  I like the style, but that shade of cobalt isn’t my favorite.”

“Honey, you look beautiful in any dress.  But I think the red outfit suits you a little bit better.”

Or just be vulnerable.  Admit your predicament.

“Fashion isn’t my expertise, and I don’t want to offend you in any way.  I’m an accountant. Ask me ‘What’s two plus two.’”

“As you know, I’m sometimes not very diplomatic, but I’m happy to be seen with you no matter what.”

In our society we value honesty and directness.  I suggest, however, that when you cannot locate the channel between honesty and kindness you come down on the side of nurturing your relationship.  You might recognize that the actual question behind the words, “Honey, do you like this dress,” is really, “Honey, I’m a little insecure right now.  Do you love me?”  And the clear, kind, and authentic reply to the underlying question is simply this:

“Darling, I don’t have a helpful opinion about the dress, but I want you to know that, to me you’re beautiful, I’m happy to go anywhere with you, and I’m even happier to come home with you every night.  I love you.”

Alan