How Hidden Are Your Agendas?

Years ago, I returned from vacation and couldn’t find my keys.  I had hidden them somewhere, but didn’t remember where.  I couldn’t use my car, unlock the front door to my office, or open my storage unit.

Like those hidden keys, most people have hidden agendas.

An agenda is an intention to make something you desire happen, or prevent something from happening that you want to avoid.  “I want string beans for dinner” is a statement of what I want.  “I don’t want to talk about that now” is a statement identifying what I want to avoid, or, at least, postpone (a conversation).  When I clearly state my agenda, then my desire comes out of hiding.

When I don’t openly and clearly state what I want, my agenda remains hidden.  In the play The Rainmaker the deputy sheriff is divorced and lonely.  He tells the Sheriff, “I knew at the time that if I asked my wife to stay she would have stayed.  But I didn’t.  So she walked out the door.”  He sighed.  “Next time I would ask her to stay.  I would even say ‘please.’”

Just like those keys, when an agenda is hidden it won’t open anything, it won’t get you anywhere, it won’t do anyone any good.

Carlos, a friend of mine, desperately wanted to marry Catherine.  He hinted.  He brought her flowers.  He told me how much he loved her but never confessed his great love to her.  Then one day she texted him, “Carlos, I’m so happy.  I just married Dante in Barcelona.”  Oops!

Another friend, Donna, felt guilty after leaving Harold, her husband of more than twenty years. She told me, “For years he was staying out all night and making my life so miserable at home that I finally had to give up.  Even when I told him that I loved him but I’d leave if things didn’t change, he still didn’t say a word.  He just sat on the sofa and stared at the TV.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t feel guilty.  Maybe Harold really wanted you to leave him, but didn’t have the guts to say so.  Maybe he was trying to push you into it,” I said. “Maybe that was his hidden agenda.”

Donna paused.  “I’ve thought about it a lot.  And I think that’s exactly what happened.  I wish he had talked to me.  We could have avoided years of pain for both of us.”

For goodness sake, share your desire, your agenda, whatever it may be.  It’s always okay to ask, and don’t let anyone tell you differently.  A bit of courage for a few minutes can save your marriage, or your life.  I read in a news report a few years ago that a South Korean Airlines flight crashed because the copilot was afraid to tell the pilot that the plane was coming in too low on its approach before landing.

If someone complains that you didn’t perform according to their agenda, you can’t be held responsible, if they never directly asked you for what they wanted.

“Didn’t you stop at the store for paper towels and toilet paper on your way home?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you didn’t ask me to and I didn’t know we needed any.”

Let other people know what you want and what you don’t want.  If you keep your agenda a secret you’re sure to be disappointed.  Few, if any, people in this world are consistent and effective mind readers.  You have to tell us.

Like my keys, agendas which are hidden are useless.

And yes, I had to replace all of my keys.  And yes, I found them on the top shelf of my closet two years later, but by then it was too late for those keys to do me any good.

Alan