How Thin Is Your Skin?

My friend Jimmy called recently to tell me he was upset.

“Alan,” he said, “I received a nasty email from someone in your office.”

I asked Jimmy to forward it to me.  After reading the email myself I thought if I had received it originally I would not have been bothered at all.

I recently read in the Ask Amy column (I assure you I don’t read that column every day) about a family feud.  The writer said she and her two siblings hadn’t spoken for years.

Why?

Because ten years before, her older brother arrived late for their family Thanksgiving dinner and the turkey had already been carved.   He felt disrespected, stormed out, and the three siblings avoided each other ever since.

I read a news article today that Millennials are known for being pragmatic.  I think that’s a good thing.

So, how are these ideas related?

How thin is your skin?  Do you take offense easily or often?  Have you ever severed a relationship over a relatively minor offense?  And, upon reflection, was it worth it?

Our bodies have skin to keep the bad stuff out.  But if our physical or emotional skin is too thin, the bad stuff will more likely harm us along with other things that are probably just not worth worrying about.  Emotionally, I believe in having a very thick skin.  That is pragmatic.

I used to believe that if someone had a serious look on their face they were angry.  Not only angry, but angry with me.  This used to bother me a lot, but over many years I developed an antidote.  I now simply ask, “Are you angry?”  If their answer is “no” I believe them.  If the answer is “yes” I follow up with, “Are you angry with me?”

Almost always they are either not angry, or not angry with me.

But back to that Thanksgiving dinner.  If a guest was angry because I had carved the turkey before they arrived, I would apologize and invite them to join us for the rest of the meal.  If they stormed out, I would be sad they had left, but I would also continue to enjoy the party.  Why should their unreasonable behavior spoil my evening? Sadly, in the Ask Amy example above, a single overreaction kept a family from enjoying each other’s companionship for years.

Most of my close friendships have endured for decades. One reason is that I intentionally have a thick emotional skin. I am not easily offended, and if I am slighted by something someone has said or done I try to determine if the offense was intentional. We have so many different ways of communicating these days with texting and emails as well as phone calls – there easily can be misunderstandings.

If someone has insulted me intentionally, I try to figure out why. If I did something offensive, then I apologize and try to make amends. But if they persist in insulting me, I ask them to contact me if they want to solve the problem.  Meanwhile, I pragmatically continue to enjoy my life, giving people the benefit of the doubt.

Don’t doubt the benefit.

Alan