How to Deal With Toxic People

A toxic person is one who regularly evokes negative emotions in you.  Since Patterns Persist (see my first People Tools book) it’s not difficult to identify a toxic friend, family member, or coworker because they will repeatedly pollute your life for as long as you let them.

Years ago a woman I was once close to became physically violent with me.  She was angry and tried to grab my iPhone right out of my hand.  This happened after months of her initiating and escalating one needless conflict after another.  After she became violent, I agreed to see her one more time, in public and for just a few minutes, to tell her in person that our relationship was over and I would never see her again.

How long should you tolerate a toxic person in your life?

When I was in law school I introduced my friend Marsha to Ken, and soon they were married.  Their marriage was short.  Years later Marsha told me that she walked out the first time Ken hit her.  When she showed up at her parents’ home her mother asked, “Are you ever going back to him?”

“No,” Marsha said.

“Good,” her mother said.  “If you were going back I wouldn’t take you in.”

But not everyone learns as quickly as Marsha. Some of us need years to end a relationship with a toxic person.

In my business career I’ve known two men whom I can best describe as charming con artists.  Of course, to be successful as a con man (or woman) you have to be charming.  One of them cheated me for a decade, the other for longer than that.  Even when one of my sons showed me proof that one of them was dishonest with me, I continued to have a business relationship with him.  Silly me.

But it is never too late to make a change for the better.

Today I have no contact with either man, and my life is much improved.

I know that you and I might be loyal to a fault (and con men are so charming).

I realize that it may be difficult to disengage from a toxic family relationship.

I understand that if you need the job you may elect to tolerate a boss who screams at you regularly or always criticizes your work.

My experience, however, is that toxic people never change their pattern of infecting the lives of others and you are never going to change them.  But you do have the power to change your own life.

That is why my number one suggestion for leading a happy and productive life is to identify and detach from toxic people.  Right now.  It doesn’t get any better.  It only gets worse.

And you might keep in mind my adage:  You are smudged by the company you keep.

Alan