How to Find the Right Person

Tom had never found the woman of his dreams. Although he cared for a ten year old son from a short term relationship, he had never married. Then Tom met Vanessa. Their relationship progressed beautifully. They enjoyed camping out together, practicing yoga, and he found her to be his best companion ever.

Tom was about to leave on a five day camping trip with friends when his cell phone rang. It was Vanessa, sobbing. Tom could hardly understand what she was saying. Through her spasms of crying Vanessa seemed to be repeating the word “Princess” again and again. After a few minutes she calmed down slightly and Tom finally understood her message.

Princess was the German Shepherd Vanessa had rescued from the animal shelter a few years earlier. Princess chased squirrels, climbed trees, and was Vanessa’s best friend before she met Tom. Vanessa was buying a small house with a fenced yard so that Princess would have room to run without risking the danger of the streets nearby.

This particular morning Vanessa had been sitting on the porch of her apartment while Princess chased those tempting squirrels. One squirrel, desperate to escape, ran across the street and Princess followed, just as a car turned the corner and could not stop in time. The car hit Princess, the driver offered help, but Princess died in Vanessa’s arms on their way to the animal hospital.

Tom understood that he had a choice to make. He could cancel his camping trip and stay with Vanessa, or he could proceed with his plans and go camping. I’m not going to speculate about what he was thinking, as we each have good, but different, reasons for what we do. Tom chose to go camping.

The moment Tom returned, Vanessa broke up with him. “If you can’t stay with me and comfort me when I’m most in need, you’re not the right guy for me,” she said as tears again streamed down her cheeks.

Now it was Tom’s turn to be devastated. He’s a computer guy, and expressing emotion never came easily to him. Maybe he was uncomfortable in dealing with death, or with any strong emotion. Many people are.

As Joni Mitchell wrote in Big Yellow Taxi, “You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.” Tom immediately and fully realized the enormity of his mistake, and took action to make amends.

Tom wrote to Vanessa every day, apologized profusely each time, and pleaded for forgiveness. He took full responsibility for abandoning her to mourn alone, and did not offer a single excuse. He asked her repeatedly, in a very loving way, to give him another chance.

I like happy endings, but I’m also touched by endings which are sad. I will leave it to you to provide the ending to this story which you prefer.

My thought is this: no matter how it turns out, to find the right person you first have to be the right person. And, perhaps even more important, you have to continue to be the right person since a successful relationship will change over time. So even though you were the right person ten years ago you also need to ask yourself what you might do to continue to be the right person today.

Maybe there is someone you want to apologize to. Or comfort. Or ask for comfort. Today.

Alan