I . . . I . . . I Love You

We spend our lives wanting to hear those adoring words, “I love you.”

But there is a problem here, and no easy way around it.  Someone has to say, “I love you” first.

We have no trouble saying, “I really enjoyed having lunch with you.”  We don’t hesitate to say, “I like you,” or, “I care about you.”

So why is it that our most exhilarating message often becomes trapped in the prison of our hearts?  Why do we conceal the words that matter most?  Isn’t the first “I love you” a compliment?

No. Not at all. Think about it. The first, “I love you” is almost always a request or, perhaps, a demand.

If I say, “I like you,” you say, “I like you too,” and we each continue our lives.

If I say, “I care about what happens to you,” then you say, “Thanks.  I care about what happens to you too.” We’ll both feel warm and fuzzy and we each continue our lives.  Nothing more is expected.

But when you hear those affirming, or terrifying, words, “I love you,” you know what’s expected in return.  And that something is not, “Thanks a lot.” What I want to hear you say is: “I love you too.”  Or a kiss.  If you don’t do either one I’ll know that you are immediately going to run screaming into the night, or you are first going to try really hard to say something nice like “I really like you as a friend,” and then immediately run screaming into the night.

When I was a teenager I decided that I would be first the one to say, “I love you.”  I was willing to take the risk of my date saying, “That’s really nice.  I’m getting out of the car now. Please don’t follow me to my front door.” In fact, I never did say, “I love you,” on a first date (or very often on any date).  I was often asked to stay in my car anyway.

But, regardless, I now have a better idea.

Before you say, “I love you,” eradicate expectations.  You are not seeking “I love you,” back. You’re not saying, “I want to marry you” or “I want to be physically intimate with you.”  You’re just giving the compliment of liking another human being on a deep level without looking for anything in return. No one has to either run away or move closer to you.  They don’t have to feel uncomfortable and they don’t have to reciprocate.

As a place to start, I’d like to suggest an experiment.  Try signing “Love” at the end of your texts or emails to close friends.  They may be surprised, but they shouldn’t feel uneasy.  If you’re uncomfortable with this first step, then perhaps you should work on your ability to tell another person that you love them, without wanting something in return.  “I love you” is fun, and a gift to those you care about.

I wish you the best of luck. Please let me know how it goes.

Love,

Alan