Improve Your Relationship- Catch Them Being Better
Imagine you have wanted your partner or spouse to change their behavior for a long time. And one fine day, as if by magic, they do. For example, they finally take out the trash without being reminded.
How should you respond?
Last Friday I appeared on the “The Social,” a popular national television show in Canada. I wrote a chapter “Catch Them Being Better” in my book People Tools for Love and Relationships. On “The Social” I mentioned, as I had in my book, that to encourage repeat behavior you should thank your partner and praise him or her because everyone responds to approval.
What ensued was a fun and lively discussion. And one of the panel members questioned me.
“Alan, it feels so much better for me to say to my husband, ‘It’s about time you took out the trash!’”
I agree. It does feel better to express your accumulated frustration and say, “It’s about time. Why didn’t you take out the trash without my having to remind you for years? You know how much it means to me. You’ve been ignoring me for a long time.”
Yes, it certainly feels better, in the moment, to release your pent up irritation and criticize your partner for not complying sooner. But I ask you this: Do you want to feel better right now by airing your resentment, or do you want your partner to continue taking out the trash? That’s the choice you face – do you want to indulge yourself now, or have a better relationship tomorrow?
When you criticize or complain about your partner’s behavior he or she is likely to say, if only to himself or herself, “I finally took out the trash and now I’m getting slammed. Well, I’m never going to take out the trash again.”
So, which is more important to you – expressing your displeasure, and discouraging the behavior you have longed for, or expressing your appreciation and encouraging a repeat performance? I’ll take the “appreciation” option because I want my relationship to be better in the future. I like to get what I want, and my saying, “That’s great. I appreciate it. Thank you.” will go much further than giving in to a natural, but thoughtless, instinct to respond, “It’s about time!”
My suggestion does take a bit of self-control, sacrificing temporary satisfaction for long term reward. But delaying your gratification is helpful in so many aspects of your life – saving money rather than spending it right away will lead to a more fruitful financial life, and eating properly might significantly improve your health. So delayed gratification is an excellent life skill to both learn and practice.
We have all established many habits during our lifetimes. Today is a good day to begin questioning a few of your long-held assumptions, defer a little gratification, and pay more attention to a new technique that will improve all of your relationships, and your life.
I want to give a special thank you to the lovely ladies of “The Social” for inviting me to be a guest on their show and for giving me a chance to share my thoughts with them and their audience.
Alan