Let’s Agree to Agree

Years ago, I spent a day with my friend Warren and his five year old son Kevin. Unfortunately, late in the afternoon Kevin was accidentally hit in the chest by a baseball bat.  He was bruised, bleeding, and cried loudly as Warren drove him to the hospital emergency room.

“Stop crying,” Warren kept saying.  “You aren’t hurt.  Tell me you aren’t hurt.”

I understand that Warren was scared and upset.  So was I.  And so was Kevin, who cried even harder, almost losing his breath at times, throughout our five-minute ride to the hospital. Clearly Warren’s assertion that Kevin wasn’t hurt had no effect on Kevin’s feeling of being hurt.

Most of us have experienced the vocal dissatisfaction of a partner.  I still remember long ago when I called my wife Susan and promised to be home for dinner at six pm. But I lost track of time and, without letting her know I would be late, I arrived closer to seven thirty.

I did not receive Susan’s usual warm embrace when I walked through the door.

“I expected you at six.  Now dinner is in the oven, drying out.  You should have called to tell me you’d be late.  I made a special dinner for you that is now ruined.  I’m really upset.”

Daniel Patrick Moynihan famously remarked, “Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.”  When someone I love is angry with me I want their ire to disappear. In the past, my first reaction was often to dispute their facts.

“I don’t remember telling you six.”  Or, “You might have called to remind me.”  Or, “I didn’t think dinner would actually be ready on time.”

Disputing the facts only leads to a longer and louder argument.  What I really should have done, and have learned to do, is aim for a quick apology – mine.  There is one fact I should not, and cannot, ever disagree with.  And that fact is your report of how you feel.

Susan said, “I’m upset.”  I didn’t like to hear that, especially because I felt (and was) responsible for disappointing her.  What should I have said?  “Susan, you’re not upset.  You’re just tired.”  Or, “Susan, why are you lying to me?  You’re not really upset at all.”

Been there.  Done that. I have found that denying another person’s report of how they feel is a fool’s errand.  It has never worked any better for me than Warren’s “Tell me you aren’t hurt” did with his crying son.

Let’s agree to agree that if I tell you I feel tired that, in fact, I feel tired.  Like it or not, it’s a fact you have to accept.  Let’s also agree to agree that if you tell me you are thrilled to have received my invitation that, in fact, you are thrilled.

You and I are the world’s biggest experts on our how we feel at any given time.  In fact, you and I are the world’s only experts on the subject of how we are feeling.

When you respect and honor my feelings, and I respect and honor yours, we will enjoy a more harmonious relationship.  I feel happy about that.

Alan