“Lord, What Fools These Mortals Be”
Puck’s famous line in Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s Dream refers to the folly of humans. Who am I to argue with Puck?
This statement popped into my head as Howard, a close friend, described an argument with his wife Nancy.
“Nancy is just plain wrong,” he said.
“About what?”
“About everything, especially Spain. We just came back from a trip to Barcelona and while we were unpacking she told me she had a terrible time. She didn’t like anything about it. I spent a lot of time planning the trip, and I thought Spain was wonderful.”
“I suppose reasonable minds can differ.”
“No. Spain is wonderful – the people, the culture, the food. Absolutely wonderful. Nancy is wrong.”
“So at the end of your ‘discussion’ she agreed with you?”
“No. Not at all. When I left she was madder than when we started.”
“Did anyone win the argument?”
“I will. It’s just going to take time.”
Oh, my. Rule number one of any argument is that unless you eventually reach a win-win you will be permanently stuck in a lose-lose.
Why is this?
- Opinions are a matter of taste. Howard might enjoy Barcelona and Nancy might hate it. You might enjoy oysters and I might prefer steak. There is no right and wrong here, just a difference of opinion.
- An argument is often a battle for either supremacy or validation. The problem is that if you end up “winning,” I will probably withdraw in anger. Of course, if you “lose” and I “win” you will probably stay angry with me.
- Everyone is different and experiences life in their own way. I’ve seen movies that I thought should not have been made. Several of them won an Academy Award for Best Picture. (My favorite line from Shakespeare is in Hamlet – “There is nothing good or bad but thinking makes it so.”)
So both parties to an argument (a fight, if you prefer) are losers unless both sides are winners. To create a win-win I suggest:
- What is the real issue? In this case Howard might have wanted Nancy just to thank him for planning what he hoped would be a great trip. He could have asked her for appreciation, or Nancy could have said, “I really appreciate all of the time and thought you put into our trip, and I’m sorry that Barcelona wasn’t my cup of tea.”
- Decide in advance what you want. It might be as simple as sympathy. Maybe you just want someone to listen. Years ago Ben and I had an argument every evening as we left work. He would complain about his problems in the office and I would offer many solutions. Ben always disagreed with my advice. After more than a year he finally said, “Alan, I don’t want your suggestions. I just want to complain.” From that day on I just listened to Ben complain while I offered sympathy. We never again disagreed. That was a win-win.
- Let it go. Is your need to be appreciated or to be right really that important? If it is, just say, “I’ve had a bad day and I need your support.” If not, let it go.
As far as I know, Howard has never planned another vacation.
Life is short. After dinner let’s each enjoy a double scoop of chocolate ice cream. Or strawberry, if you prefer.
Alan