No I Not

My mother used to tell me that when I was two years old my favorite statement to her was, “No I not.”

“Eat your peas.”

“No I not.”

“Help me to put your shirt on.”

“No I not.”

“It’s time to go to bed.”

“No I not.”

This is a perfectly understandable reaction from a two-year-old who is discovering how to become a separate individual, moving away from the attempted and pervasive control of his mother and father.

Most teenagers go through a similar process.  Their “No I not,” is more like “You can’t make me do my homework,” or, “I’ll be home any time I please,” or, “I can choose my own friends.” This rebellion helps them to separate from their families of origin as they begin to find and follow their own path, which they will pursue in their adult life.

As we grow older, our “No I not’s” tend to change and mature. We learn that life isn’t just about expressing our negative emotions or rebellious statements of independence. It’s also about nurturing our relationships, and how important it is to carefully choose how we express our disagreements with those we care about. My father is a great example of someone who has fully mastered the art of tact in foregoing a straight, “No I not.”

Yesterday evening I was driving with my father to a movie.  I picked him up in my new Tesla.  He was curious.

“What is this car?”

“My new Tesla, Dad.”

“Why did you buy it?”

“I like the acceleration.  Zero to sixty in 3.2 seconds.”  As I spoke, I gave Dad a modest sample of a speed spurt, pinning him to his seat.

“Okay.  Okay.  But do you really think that . . . “ He paused.

Think what, Dad?  That I don’t need a new car?  Or that I shouldn’t drive a car that accelerates faster than a motorcycle?  I expected a negative reaction, until Dad finished his statement.

“It’s a very nice car.  I’m sure you will really enjoy it.”  I had emotionally prepared myself for his criticism such as, “Don’t you think the acceleration is dangerous?” This is a question my mom would almost certainly have asked, expressing, while at the same time trying to mask, her disapproval.

But my dad ended on a positive note. I am grateful that this is something he has chosen to do for many years.  Dad and I see quite a few movies together.  He enjoys some, but dislikes most.  When I ask him, “How did you like the movie?” his answer is either positive, or, “I really appreciate being with you and our spending time together. The evening was a lot of fun.”

I am happy to join my father in many social events, largely because he is so darn positive about the experience and he makes it a special point to express his appreciation.  This is the opposite of a two-year-old, or teenager, who will, true to their developmental nature, throw their own needs in my face.

I like the emotional oasis in which my dad has lived for many years.  Isn’t this the sanctuary to which all of us should aspire?  A home where each of us can, at very long last, rest, at peace with ourselves and others, where we can relax into a well-earned respite from fighting all of the wars which we have waged, and raged, to finally become the master of our own emotions and destiny.

I hope that all of us will, at least and at last, attain the wisdom to live our days in tranquility and compassion, where “No I not” has been replaced by a different, more heartfelt statement:

“I really appreciate being with you and our spending time together.  The evening was a lot of fun.”

Alan