Pleasing All of the People All of the Time

I ended last week’s blog “The Fear is Inside Me” with the following words:

Though I have overcome some of my fears, such as public speaking, there are others I can live with.  I don’t do roller coasters or zip lines.  I only do trams if there is enough social pressure.  I also have a fear of disappointing people.

After reading my blog, a business associate suggested that I elaborate on my fear of disappointing people.  This struck me as a good idea.

Disappointing people is a fear that many of us share, and it’s a tricky fear to navigate.  The idea that you can’t “…please all of the people all of the time” was written by poet John Lydgate, and amplified by Abraham Lincoln for good reason.

To overcome this fear, I suggest you start by defining what it’s really about.  I could write a short book on the subject, but here I’ll confine myself to no more than 600 words.

If you have no fear of disappointing anyone ever, then it would be a waste of your time to continue reading.  I’m sorry to disappoint you.  Well, not really

But if you share my fear of disappointing people then we have set ourselves a nearly impossible task.  Because as others have said before me – you can’t please all the people all the time. Also, others can use your fear of disappointing them to manipulate you. When that happens to me, I have found my best solution is to immediately and permanently cut those people out of my life.  Do you have a “friend” who never calls you unless they want something?  That is a clue that your relationship is give and take. You give, they take.

If you have a parent, or child, who “guilts” you into providing whatever they want, the above solution could seem drastic and might not appeal to you.  In that case I suggest that you write a list of what you are comfortable with, and share that list with them.  Then enforce the list without exception. Remember – they are better at manipulating you than you are at resisting them.  So stand your ground.  It will get easier over time.  The list may be as long or as short as you like. It could even be one word, such as:  “Money.”

In writing this blog I thought more deeply about what I was really afraid of, and I realize that it isn’t so much that I fear disappointing people.  I’m afraid of being rejected by the people who are important to me.

For example, each of my three People Tools books received at least one or two low ratings of “1” on Amazon.  Some readers don’t resonate with what I write.  No problem.  Reject away.  It comes with the territory and doesn’t bother me.

But being rejected by people who are important in my life is different. I have discovered that the best way to avoid rejection is to talk to them.  You might try your own variation of this statement. “I always want to please you, but I’m uncomfortable with what you’re asking for.  So how can we work out a compromise that satisfies each of us?”

If a real friend doesn’t bite at this offer, you might be in a relationship that will continue to bite you.

But also, when someone pleases you, let them know.  You wouldn’t want them to worry about real or imaginary rejection, as you do.

Alan