Rose or Thorn

One of my daily pleasures is reading the Ask Amy advice column in the Los Angeles Times.  Many readers ask for guidance on how to deal with difficult people in their lives. I call these difficult people, “Thorns.” They are the relatives, coworkers, or friends who are just not easy to deal with. We all know who they are.

Each of us has a unique way of interacting with others, but some of us are consistently Roses, and others are Thorns.  Some of us are easy going, while others are prickly, difficult, and quick to offend. We can also be either, or both, depending upon the situation.

I decided years ago that I would prefer to be a Rose when dealing with others. A Rose is sweet and dispenses delight.  A Thorn is painful and delivers discord. To a great extent we can decide at any given moment whether we will be a Rose, or a Thorn. For example, when a coworker, friend, or family member asks me for anything my standard answer is “yes.”  Why not?  We all have more than enough “no’s” in our lives, and I don’t want to add to that burden. And “yes” moves us forward, while “no” stops us dead in our tracks. “Yes” is open and receptive. “No,” is sharp and tinged with potential disappointment.

Also, in conversation I like to listen closely to what the other person is saying.  I always learn more when I listen than when I talk.  Many say I’m good at having conversations, when actually I’ve just been listening. Thorns don’t care what you have to say. They will often shut you down or are only interested in talking about themselves. Roses, on the other hand, want hear from you. They listen.

We all have opinions.  Was the Golden Globe award ceremony on national TV last night a great show, or was it only good, or was it terrible?  Everyone who watched it will have a different opinion. Our varied opinions on that are probably not too important in a relationship, but the way we deal with them are. Thorns will not accept your right to feel differently than they do about something. Roses will.

If we are judgmental about another person (“That was really stupid of you”) rather than supportive (“I’m so sorry you had that experience”) we are going to impact our relationships. Who would you rather be in a relationship with?

Rose or Thorn?

It’s up to you.

Alan