Saying “No” – In 7 Easy Steps

Have you ever found yourself taking out your credit card to pay for something that you didn’t really want?  Have you accepted an invitation to a party when you actually preferred to stay home, or entertained dinner guests far into the night because you weren’t comfortable asking them to leave?

You are not alone.  Saying “no,” when appropriate, is one of the more difficult tasks in life. Many brides have told me they married their boy-friend because they were afraid to say “no” to his proposal.  Of course, most did say “no,” far more painfully, a few months or a few years later.

The good news is that saying “yes” when you really mean “no” is a pattern that you can change.  By paying attention to the following seven steps you can train yourself how to say “no,” and make it stick. 

1.    Remind yourself often that it’s perfectly okay to say “no.”  In the early days of our marriage, my wife, believe it or not, would occasionally say “no.”  I reacted with anger because I felt rejected.  I have since learned that I was far too sensitive, and I’ve taught myself not to confuse a simple refusal with total rejection.  My wife’s matter of fact “No, I’d rather stay home on Sunday night” did not mean that she was upset with me.

2.    Practice saying “no” with a friend.  Invite your friend to ask you for something unreasonable such as paying for his or her trip to Hawaii.  Say “no.”  Then have him or her ask for something reasonable, such as “May I borrow your pen?”  Say “no.”  Make it a game.  You might ask your friend for a loan, and see how you feel when the answer is “no.”

3.    In your real life, practice saying “no” to the most unreasonable requests first.  Since I have a bad back it is easy for me to say “no” when a friend or family member asks me to help to move heavy furniture.

4.    Say “no” promptly, positively, and without hesitation.  A pause could mean that you are thinking, but more likely it will be taken as a signal that you are unsure.  A persistent asker will detect your uncertainty every time and pester you until you say “yes.”  This just prolongs your agony and makes your problem worse.

5.    After you say “no,” stop talking.  The next words out of your mouth will probably be an excuse, which will utterly dilute the authenticity of your answer and encourage the asker to persist. If you have trouble breaking this habit and feel the need to soften the blow with more explanation, you might consider saying something like, “No. That doesn’t work for me.”

6.    Say “no” in a normal voice.  A friend of mine practically screams “no” even to a seemingly innocent request.  When a refusal is too loud or too angry it telegraphs insecurity or uncertainty.  As Shakespeare put it in Hamlet, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

7.    As an alternative, which is certainly simple but less candid, you can ask for more time to answer.  You may not be asked again, and if you are you can blame your partner .

Remember that this is a common difficulty and saying “no” may take time and practice to master.

My bias is always to say “yes” unless I have a good reason not to.  But the road to finding more joy in your life will lead to a number of requests, and you will enjoy your life more when you can easily and honestly say “no.”

After reading this, will it be easier for you to say “no” in the future? Please leave a comment on this.

Aha!  Thanks for saying “yes.”

Alan