What Do I Want Most to Know About Myself…?

This may be a touchy subject.  The unsaid remainder of the question posed in the title could be, “…THAT I DON’T ALREADY CONSCIOUSLY RECOGNIZE”.

The answer leaping out from some previously secret psychological cavern near my heart is, “You’re a lot more sensitive than you let on, even to yourself.”

I don’t know whether to accept that truth about myself with gusto, stuff it back where it came from by ignoring it (is that possible?) or explore it further by writing about it.  The “writing about it” seems to be winning.  I’m remembering the writer who was asked by a reporter what he thought about winning the Nobel prize for literature.

“I don’t know,” the writer said.  “I haven’t written about it yet.”

But this particular truth about myself is a stubborn rascal and doesn’t want to be pulled out of its hidey hole.

Perhaps it’s because as a child, I was told “You’re too sensitive” once too often.  But that is like telling me I’m too short.  What action can I take to change something that is an intrinsic part of me?  Undergo a sensitivityectomy?  Wear shoes with thicker soles?

I think not.  We are who we are, I am who I am.  And yet, hopefully, there will always be someone who loves the way we are, even if it is only our mothers. And there will also be those who will criticize something about us, if only our spouses (except for Daveen – who never criticizes me).

The trick is to corral in your inner critic and refrain from allowing that inner voice tell you something negative about yourself.  Do not cede to your own worst enemy a perch of honor on your shoulder right next to your ear.

And yet, how do you refrain from criticizing yourself or repressing some inherent truth about yourself?

Maybe you can’t.  Perhaps I will always try to mask my sensitive nature and keep it hidden.  Or maybe I can follow my dad’s advice, “Be nice to yourself.”  Maybe I can let myself recognize that is who I am, and it is okay to acknowledge and accept it. In the words of Tevia from Fiddler on the Roof, would it spoil some “vast eternal plan” if I always believe I will do my best, rather than needing to win or to lose? Do I need to put a cap on my emotions so as not to appear too sensitive? Or do I embrace all parts of me – and allow myself to feel as sensitive as I really am?

I do not believe that life is a zero-sum game.  In fact, I believe that the more you win, the more I win.

And I know that each of us has unique strengths, challenges, and abilities.  And also, I hope, a bit of sensitivity.

Alan