What to Do with a Pinch

I had enjoyed Dinner at the home of my wife’s parents, but this time as we were leaving something bizarre happened.   We were saying our goodbyes in the hallway when my mother-in-law, I’ll call her “M” for “Mean,” suddenly reached out and pinched me – hard — on my stomach.  I was too shocked to respond.

A few weeks later, after our next dinner at “M’s” house, she did the same thing, so I talked to my wife Susan about it on our way home.

“When we were leaving your mother pinched me.  Hard.  This is the second time she has done it. If it happens again, I’m going to confront her.  I don’t like to be pinched.”  A memory of being pinched on the cheek by my own mother’s friends when I was three or four years old flickered in my head.

Susan seemed surprised to hear about this and agreed I should say something.

The next dinner was at our house, a formal celebration of some sort, and I was ready.  Before “M” arrived I decided that if she engaged in her usual habit of saying something nasty at the dinner table under the cover of everyone else having to be “polite,” I would confront her directly.  She must have picked up on my vibe. She was pleasant throughout the entire meal for once.

But when it came time to leave, sure enough, M’s right hand darted toward my stomach.  I caught her wrist in mid-flight.

This time she was surprised. “Why did you do that?”

“Because the last two times I left your house you pinched me.  I don’t like being pinched.”

M flashed her mean little smirk.  “What’s the matter, Alan.” she said.  “Can’t take it?”

There are people who attack under the cover of your need to be “polite” in a social situation.  After all, are you going to yell at your aunt who asks inappropriate personal questions in front of everyone at family gatherings? Are you going to confront your boss if she goes on a political diatribe at a lunch even though she knows you disagree with her?  Will you make a scene when your best friend gets overly loud and rowdy at your Super Bowl party?  Probably not.

But it’s a matter of your priorities – to keep the peace, or to confront the behavior.  My personal rules are:

1. The first time is a “freebie” (unless the behavior is outrageous). The first time M pinched me I was too surprised to react, other than by moving away quickly.
2. The second time establishes a pattern. With M, however, I didn’t want to offend my wife so I let it pass.
3. The third time I will not let it pass. If I do, I become a passive victim who won’t stand up for himself because I don’t want to be seen as a troublemaker.  But I’ll tell you – when M or anyone else becomes a consistent aggressor I will not let it pass.

What to do in a pinch?  Tell the pincher to stop.

Can I “take it”?  Yes.

Am I willing to “take it”?

No.  I’m nice, but no one should ever be willing to take unwarranted abuse.  That is one of my top priorities.

Alan