“No” Before “Yes”

“No” is a verbal wall. It separates you from other people, and is generally thought of as negative. But at times this wall is a necessity.

“Will you help me move next Saturday?”

“No.”

“Would you let me get ahead of you in line? I’m in a hurry.”

“No.”

“Will you loan me five dollars?”

“No.”

There are days when you may not feel the need for any walls. But on other days you may feel like Greta Garbo and “vant to be alone.” You have that right. In fact, you have many rights.

You have the right to control the use of your belongings. You have the right to keep your possessions to yourself. You have the right to spend your money any way you want to.

Years ago I was at an NBA basketball game sitting in the nosebleed section. I was watching the players through my binoculars when a stranger approached me.

“Can I borrow your binoculars?” She almost grabbed them out of my hands. “I have friends across the way, and I want to find them.”

Normally, I would have said “yes” and loaned the woman my binoculars. My mother taught me to always be polite. But a voice inside me said, “I don’t want to do this.”

“No,” I heard myself answer.

“No?” She was obviously surprised. So was I.

“No.” I was polite but firm. It was fun. And, frankly, a little scary. The stranger backed up three steps. Then she wandered down the aisle to ask someone else.

I had erected a wall of “no.”  I was pleased, but also uncomfortable because I had disappointed someone who might now dislike me. I knew my anxiety was irrational, because I had the best of all possible reasons to say “no.” I simply didn’t want to loan her my binoculars.   And, for goodness sake, I would never even see the woman again.

A quiet, firm “no” should be enough. Your wall needs only to withstand a rain squall, not a hurricane. You do not need to shout, you do not need to convince, you do not need to justify your “no.” You just have to say it.

In addition to the “no” that is too loud, there is also the “no” that means “maybe,”

“I’d like to throw a party for you on your fiftieth birthday.”

“Oh, no. That would be too much trouble.” (This is the “are you sure” variant of the “no” that means “yes,” or the “show me how much I mean to you.”)

“But I’d really like to do it, after everything you’ve done for me.”

“Well, are you sure it’s not too much trouble?” (In other words, “Reassure me again,” or “What will I owe you?”)

“Not at all. I’ll serve leftovers.” (“You won’t owe me much.”)

“All right. But keep it intimate.” (“I don’t want to feel obligated to reciprocate beyond my own level of comfort.”)

Even though many people engage in this type of indirect verbal sparring and label it “considerate,” I respectfully disagree. If you want to say “no,” say “no.” Make it clear, concise, and consistent.

And if you want to say “yes,” say “yes.” Do not bewilder your friends by the “no” that really means “yes.”

And if you are unsure, a simple “I don’t know” is always appropriate.

Whether you are two years old or fifty, by using the word “no” when needed you can take charge of your life. You will avoid people or parties that bore you. You will not give or lend money when you don’t want to. You will not help a friend move if you fear you might end up in the hospital with a herniated disc.

Of course, “yes” can make you happy too, especially when it is a full-hearted “yes,” backed up by your ability to, when necessary, say “no.”

Alan