Anger Is a Lonely Job

Gordon, a friend of mine, recently told me this sad, then happy story about his marriage to Louise.

“Alan, I used to walk around feeling like I weighed more than a thousand pounds.  Most of that was anger.  For some reason I had this crazy idea that if I was super angry for long enough Louise would give me what I wanted.  Every time I was upset I would walk around the house with a mad-on for days, or weeks.”

“Yes, I noticed that a few times when I visited you.”

“But Alan, I found that being angry is no fun.  It colors the world rotten.  And it’s painful. As I said, I finally understood what was really going on with me was the absurd belief that if I hurt hard enough for long enough Louise would cave in and give me what I wanted.”

“That doesn’t make any sense to me,” I said.

“Exactly, and when I really thought about it, that idea didn’t even make sense to me.  But that’s how I felt for many years.”

“So does this story have a happy ending?”

“I think so.  I finally told Louise that when I appeared to be upset and withdrawn to just say to me, ‘Gordon, you seem upset.  If there is any way I can help, please let me know what it is.’”

And what did she say?

“She said, ‘Fine.  I can do that.  Then what should I do?’”

“Then just leave me alone. My anger will dissolve.  As much as I want it to last forever, I never manage to carry anger around for more than a few weeks. But I want to let go of it a lot faster than that.”

“So how did this deal with Louise work out?”

“That’s the good news.  It worked out great.  Even though my anger used to hurt me a lot more than it hurt anyone else, it also felt wonderful.  I felt justified.  But starting from the day of my talk with Louise, with her help I was able to just let it go.”

“You know, Gordon, my father has a theory that no one has to feel negative emotions from the neck down, and that you always have a choice.  That idea must be working for Dad, because he is in a good mood almost all of the time and he’s more than 101 years old. I think my dad, and you, may be on to something.”

Gordon smiled in agreement.

I now suggest that, for all of us, when we are burdened by all those heavy pounds of anger, we simply apply what Gordon and Louise discovered – to just let it go. I even practice this myself.  Today I choose not to be angry, and I never am for long.

Over the past few years, Gordon has lost a lot of weight, and most of that was anger.

Anger is a lonely job.  Fortunately, no one has to do it.

Alan