How to Connect – Join Their Enthsiasm

This past week I’ve been traveling with a group of friends through the Greek Islands.  While my friends enjoyed swimming and shopping I entered into a new and fascinating realm by immersing myself in a new book Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari.

“What ’cha been reading?” One friend asked me before lunch, while putting down a number of shopping bags.

“The best book I’ve ever read in my life.”

“Oh, come on, Alan.  Whatever it is, it can’t be the best book you’ve ever read!”  My friend dropped his fork on a plate for emphasis.  “You’ve read Shakespeare, haven’t you?”

“Yes, I’ve read Shakespeare.  And I think this book is better.”

“Oh, c’mon.”

I felt as if I’d been sitting on a bench of a dunk tank at a carnival, smiling at the crowd, when someone hit the bullseye, my seat collapsed under me, and I fell into a shiver of ice water.

Another friend tried to help out.  “What’s it about?  Must be very interesting.”

But it was too late for me to be cheerful.  The moment had passed. I had offered my real and deep enthusiasm, only to be hit in the face with a snowball of disbelief.  I felt rejected, not connected.  I withdrew my energy and refused to discuss the book any further with anyone.

We all crave connection.  When you reach out to me, my job is to take your hand, not spit on it.

When I was young I took a romantic vacation with my new girlfriend Susie.  It was a beautiful day in Hawaii, the second day of our five-day stay.  My arm was around her as we swung gently in a double hammock, a soft breeze wafting through the palm trees above. Susie said to me tenderly, “Alan, this may be the high point of our entire vacation.”

Maybe my mind was somewhere else.  Maybe I had eaten too large a breakfast and blood had rushed to my stomach instead of my brain. I should have agreed with her. Instead I said, “How can you say that?  We’ve only been here two days.  Tomorrow might be better.”

In that instant Susie became Siberia, She separated from my arm, rose from the hammock, and disappeared into our bungalow.  I knew better than to follow.

I had spoiled the opportunity she offered for a romantic connection.

Parents, when your three- year- old children proudly show you their crayon drawings, reward them with your full attention and admiration.  Do not mention that the red tree they have drawn should really be green.

Teachers, discover the need for approval in your students and provide it to them in full measure.

Friends and lovers, put your own needs, your egos, and the parts of your life that are unsatisfying aside, and be a true caretaker.  When your friend or lover touches your heart, be open.  They will respond with kindness, and the two of you will connect in a glow of mutual caring.  Nothing could be better.

Alan